The year 2020

2020 has been a very challenging year for everyone - emotionally, financially and spiritually. 

This is the year that I have tried to put God first in my life, gotten a spiritual director, committed to praying everyday for those with SSA and sexual addictions, restarted altar serving as an acolyte, bought my first home, gotten my first pet cat (now have two) - and yet still manage to struggle with depression and a sense of failure regardless of how obvious God’s Divine Providence has been in my life. 

All that matters in the end is that we are reborn as Children of God, and we are loved by Love himself. 

Please pray for me 

Christ the King - the empire of our Redeemer embraces all men

Pope Pius XI in Quas Primas when instituting the Solemn Feast of Christ the King says : 

33. The faithful, moreover, by meditating upon these truths, will gain much strength and courage, enabling them to form their lives after the true Christian ideal. If to Christ our Lord is given all power in heaven and on earth; if all men, purchased by his precious blood, are by a new right subjected to his dominion; if this power embraces all men, it must be clear that not one of our faculties is exempt from his empire. He must reign in our minds, which should assent with perfect submission and firm belief to revealed truths and to the doctrines of Christ. He must reign in our wills, which should obey the laws and precepts of God. He must reign in our hearts, which should spurn natural desires and love God above all things, and cleave to him alone. He must reign in our bodies and in our members, which should serve as instruments for the interior sanctification of our souls, or to use the words of the Apostle Paul, as instruments of justice unto God.[35] If all these truths are presented to the faithful for their consideration, they will prove a powerful incentive to perfection. It is Our fervent desire, Venerable Brethren, that those who are without the fold may seek after and accept the sweet yoke of Christ, and that we, who by the mercy of God are of the household of the faith, may bear that yoke, not as a burden but with joy, with love, with devotion; that having lived our lives in accordance with the laws of God's kingdom, we may receive full measure of good fruit, and counted by Christ good and faithful servants, we may be rendered partakers of eternal bliss and glory with him in his heavenly kingdom.

May Christ the King reign in our mind, will, heart and body! Thy Kingdom come 🙏

Have courage - be patient with yourself, the spirituality of gentleness

I often find quotes from St Frances de Sales very encouraging, he gives very gentle advice as opposed to the Desert Fathers, St John of the Cross or St Josemaria who I like for their bluntness. 

His is the spirituality of gentleness. 

Good reminder for us all that no mattter how things are going, everyday and every moment is a fresh start. We can grow so frustrated with our habitual sins, but we need to have courage, to “Take heart” instead of being disheartened so we can continue the race, fighting the good fight one step at a time

St Jerome - the Library of Christ

As many of you know, the patron of this blog is the original irascible hermit himself, St Jerome - Doctor of the Church. 

Pope Francis has recently written an Apostolic Letter commemorating him, encouraging us to deepen our knowledge of scripture and follow the example of St Jerome. I highly recommend you check it out, one of the best things written by Pope Francis! 

Through the intercession of St Jerome the Library of Christ, may we all grow in love for the Word of God - especially hermits and those with fiery tempers. 

Here are two quotes which stood out for me : 

Devotion to sacred Scripture, a “living and tender love” for the written word of God: this is the legacy that Saint Jerome bequeathed to the Church by his life and labors. Now, on the sixteen hundredth anniversary of his death, those words taken from the opening prayer of his liturgical Memorial[1] give us an essential insight into this outstanding figure in the Church’s history and his immense love for Christ. That “living and tender love” flowed, like a great river feeding countless streams, into his tireless activity as a scholar, translator, and exegete. Jerome’s profound knowledge of the Scriptures, his zeal for making their teaching known, his skill as an interpreter of texts, his ardent and at times impetuous defense of Christian truth, his asceticism and harsh eremitical discipline, his expertise as a generous and sensitive spiritual guide – all these make him, sixteen centuries after his death, a figure of enduring relevance for us, the Christians of the twenty-first century..... 

Jerome consciously chose the desert and the eremitic life for their deeper meaning as a locus of fundamental existential decisions, of closeness and encounter with God. There, through contemplation, interior trials, and spiritual combat, he came to understand more fully his own weakness, his own limits, and those of others. There too, he discovered the importance of tears.[9] The desert taught him sensitivity to God’s presence, our necessary dependence on him and the consolations born of his mercy. Here, I am reminded of an apocryphal story in which Jerome asks the Lord: “What do you want of me?” To which Christ replies: “You have not yet given me everything”. “But Lord, I have given you all sorts of things”. “One thing you have not given me”. “What is that?” “Give me your sins, so that I may rejoice in forgiving them once more”.[10]

Pray for your enemies

I found out today that a priest who was quite horrible to me when I was in seminary has passed away. We had quite a personality clash, and I admit I was not an easy person to get along with as I was very arrogant - but he mistreated me a lot and I have always held a grudge against him. 

So when I found out today he had passed away, my initial reaction was not a charitable one. Lord forgive my hardness of heart . 

I have since repented of this, and prayed for his soul. Unfortunately I will always have negative memories of him - but today the Lord reminded me that I need to pray for him and if I want to follow Jesus I need to remember to love and pray for my enemies. 

This is one of the most challenging teachings of Jesus. It sounds paradoxical and pious on paper, but much harder to do in real life. 

Pray for me 

St Lawrence of Brindisi on the Bible

For the word of God is a light to the mind and a fire to the will. It enables man to know God and to love him. And for the interior man who lives by the Spirit of God, through grace, it is bread and water, but a bread sweeter than honey and the honeycomb, a water better than wine and milk. For the soul it is a spiritual treasure of merits yielding an abundance of gold and precious stones. Against the hardness of a heart that persists in wrongdoing, it acts as a hammer. Against the world, the flesh and the devil it serves as a sword that destroys all sin

Quote taken from a Sermon of his from the Office of Readings 

The denial of St Peter and our own unfaithfulness

Today being the Solemnity if Sts Peter & Paul got me reflecting on the denial of St Peter and my own unfaithfulness during the Covid pandemic while churches closed. 

At the beginning of the year as you can see from previous posts I was getting back into my faith, the sacraments, going to Mass up to 5 times a week and praying Divine Office daily. Then the pandemic struck... 

Just before it did,  my brother who I have lived with for 6 years got a girlfriend and moved out (great news is I have recently found out now I will be an uncle Praise God 🙏). Then Covd hit, my hours at work got halved and I had too much time on my hands trying to adjust to being home alone - feeling isolated and depressed. During this time I fell back into sinful habits, acted out and rarely prayed. 

My unfaithfulness during this time reminded me of St Peter’s denial of our Lord. We can be so passionate and enthusiastic about our love for Jesus, yet when adversity hits then our weakness and cowardice surfaces, just like St Peter. 

But we can also remember the Lord is merciful and always ready to forgive us as soon as we turn to Him. Jesus asks us to love Him and trust Him again and again, not counting our faults but showing new mercies every moment. Jesus is faithful to us in spite of our own unfaithfulness - like St Peter, we too can become great saints through repentance. 

Ministry of Acolyte

I was approached by my Parish Priest and one of our Acolytes a few months ago to consider the ministry of Acolyte in our Parish, they didn’t realise that I was Instituted as an Acolyte many years ago but stopped serving due to personal reasons. So this evening I will commence the ministry of Acolyte in my Parish. 

For those of you who are wondering what an Acolyte is in the Latin Rite, it is an Altar Server that also assists with distributing Holy Communion and purifying the vessels. 

After the reforms of Vatican 2, Pope St Paul the VI changed the minor order of Subdeacon and changed it to the ministry of Acolyte - meaning that it is now a lay ministry and not considered part of the clerical state. 

Please see the definition of an Acolyte according to Pope St Paul VI in his Apostolic Letter “Ministeria Quedam” 

“6. The acolyte is appointed in order to aid the deacon and to minister to the priest. It is his duty therefore to attend to the service of the altar and to assist the deacon and the priest in liturgical celebrations, especially in the celebration of Mass; he is also to distribute communion as a special minister when the ministers spoken of in the Codex Iuris Canonici can. 845 are not available or are prevented by ill health, age, or another pastoral ministry from performing this function, or when the number of communicants is so great that the celebration of Mass would be unduly prolonged. In the same extraordinary circumstances an acolyte may be entrusted with publicly exposing the blessed sacrament for adoration by the faithful and afterward replacing it, but not with blessing the people. He may also, to the extent needed, take care of instructing other faithful who on a temporary basis are appointed to assist the priest or deacon in liturgical celebrations by carrying the missal, cross, candles, etc., or by performing other such duties. He will perform these functions more worthily if he participates in the holy eucharist with increasingly fervent devotion, receives nourishment from it, and deepens his knowledge about it.

As one set aside in a special way for the service of the altar, the acolyte should learn all matters concerning public divine worship and strive to grasp their inner spiritual meaning: in that way he will be able each day to offer himself entirely to God, be an example to all by his gravity and reverence in church, and have a sincere love for the Mystical Body of Christ, the people of God, especially for the weak and the sick.” 

Please keep me in your prayers 🙏

Blessing of Obedience

A few weeks ago I got home from work, feeling very tired and was trying to organise my birthday party. Going through my list of people to invite it brought back a lot of memories of old friends, people who had been former hookups or those I had crushes on. 

The same evening I was due to have a meeting with my spiritual director. 

With all the old memories and feelings coming to mind, I was struggling with a lot of temptation against purity. But Praise God I was able to force myself to go pray Vespers before leaving to see my spiritual director. As I was praying the Office, the reading for the day was about resisting the devil and he will flee from you, come close to God and He will draw bear to you. 

What Providence! Instantly my temptations went away and I had a very fruitful meeting with my spiritual director. It just shows you the blessings you receive when you remain obedient to God 

Discerning eremetical life

Dear readers, 

I know it has almost been another year since I have blogged again. As mentioned below I have been struggling with depression and self pity in my sins instead of clinging to God for grace and Mercy. 

I went to confession Christmas Eve and ever since then I feel God has given me some special new grace of conversion. My temptations and lust have disappeared without me praying or asking for it! So I have been making the most of this time of grace to go to Mass regularly, pray the Divine Office, consecrate myself to Our Lady everyday and keep loving God. Part of this blessing has been finding a group of likeminded Christians with SSA who I pray together with and have fellowship with fortnightly- see my post below.. 

During this time I have been having an overwhelming urge to discern becoming a consecrated hermit. If you have read my blog before you may have seen that many years ago I was in seminary and had tried a few religious orders. My desire for religious life has never gone away, I’ve just felt so hurt and rejected by God and the Church for many years that I have been living my own personal rebellion against God - being promiscuous and trying to have same sex relationships. But nothing could stop the gentle call of Christ calling me back to him. 

So now that I no longer feel lonely and am happy being alone, for the first time EMBRACING my celibacy with joy, I have been getting this desire to be a consecrated hermit. I have accepted that I can never be a priest or religious due to my SSA and I am turning 36 this year so getting to the age that no communities will want me anyway. 

The blessing of a hermit vocation is that it is private and hidden between you and God. You work and support yourself, you live a plan of life under a spiritual director, you pray privately, interceding for the world and others. For the first time in a long time, I am having a sense of the Peace that Christ promised us - not of this world. 

I am working in a job that supports my values, I am a Community Support Worker for people with disabilities. I am not stressed and unhappy like I was last year and able to support myself without needing to work fulltime in an office. 

I am still praying for a spiritual director and I know that it is a long, slow, private, intimate journey. But I wanted to share with you the power of other people praying for you and to encourage you to intercede and pray for others!! 

I will leave you with a quote from the Catechism about the charism of consecrated hermits: 

921 They manifest to everyone the interior aspect of the mystery of the Church, that is, personal intimacy with Christ. Hidden from the eyes of men, the life of the hermit is a silent preaching of the Lord, to whom he has surrendered his life simply because he is everything to him. Here is a particular call to find in the desert, in the thick of spiritual battle, the glory of the Crucified One.

Mary Queen of Hermits - pray for me a sinner, the Irascible Hermit 🙏

Fellowship - the importance of the Communion of Saints

For many years I have struggled with my Same Sex Attraction, chastity and purity. This combined with depression would leave me to isolate myself from the Church and God for months at a time. 

Recently I came across a group of other Faithful Christians struggling with SSA like me! How amazing it felt to find other people who think and feel like me. 

For so long as I have felt lonely because I was misunderstood. Most of my Catholic friends now are married with kids or priests, so they are busy and have different lives to me. But meeting other Christians with SSA I feel so strengthened and re energised in my faith - because I no longer feel LONELY even though a am alone. The paradox being is that now I am very happy being alone because I have discovered fellowship. 

Fellowship is often seen as a Protestant term, as we Catholics focus on the Church and Communion. So I like to think of fellowship as participating in the Communion of Saints - not just the Saints in glory, but also my fellow pilgrim brothers and sisters in Christ here below who are becoming Saints. 

Since having this newfound fellowship my faith feels much stronger, more stable and empowered.  We pray for each other, console and comfort each other in Christ. Praise God for the gift of fellowship 🙏 

Nothing can separate us from the love of God