For the last few years, I have tried to spend some time reflecting on the year that has past and to pray for the Lord to give me a word for the upcoming year.
Last year I received Matthew 1:23 which I will admit, I received rather skeptically as it is very generic and also being so close to Christmas it was easy to dismiss as being something I would’ve recently heard. But it stuck with me, and so I reluctantly accepted it - but without appreciation or any gratitude.
But the other week as I was preparing myself to reflect on the year past and see where the word that the Lord gave me has applied - it struck me quickly that it was exactly the word I needed for this past year! It can be very easy to talk about Practicing the Presence of God in a general way, but that is very different from learning how to live everyday the reality of Emmanuel - God with us! Not just a generic “us”, but more specifically God-with-me. God always present with me and in my life, in the ordinary day to day mundane messiness of my life without any dramatic signs or phenomena.
Learning to not only recognise and appreciate this concrete presence of God-with-me, has forced me also to focus on the presence of Jesus with me at all moments and times. In the good and bad times, in the boring and mundane times. In my times of strength and achievement, but also just as present in my times of struggle with health and even mediocrity. My moments of unfaithfulness, often manifested Jesus’ faithfulness to me more than any other moments in prayer and contemplation, his gentle faithful and loving presence with me always and everywhere.
This year has not been as “busy” for me as previous years, nor have I had a lot of “achievements” to be proud of. This has forced me to step back and reflect time and time again by asking myself “why do I feel I need to DO something to PROVE myself?” then praying - “Lord what are you trying to teach me right now? Why am I struggling to rest in you? Why do I keep struggling with a sense of unworthiness and failure, instead of rejoicing in your love for me and your presence that sustains me and offers me rest?”
So in a sense, this year has been for me a year of purification and detachment. Forcing me to find my nourishment and rest in Christ, instead of creating my own sense of worth through accomplishments. In another sense, it has felt a mixture between a dark night of senses, combined with a second “novitiate” for me as a hermit. Learning to let go of identity and externalism, so I can remain in the desert with Christ so he can give me rest and peace of soul. The peace that cannot be understood, that only he can give me and continuously calls me back to (Philippians 4:7, John 14:27).
Part of this “letting go” and detachment has been in accepting that I am now on a Disability Pension and for the first time since I have been about 11, I no longer need to or have to work. But the Lord still keeps me busy through my online ministry with others, often ministering to me through the same words I am using to help others in their walk with the Lord.
Moments that I am grateful for this year
- Having my Disability Claim approved
- Finally completing my Diploma in Counselling
- Becoming a Registered Counsellor with the Australian Counsellors Association
- Starting my online Private Practice “Logismoi Therapy”
- Designing my own Logo & creating the website for it as well www.logismoitherapy.com.au
- Continuing to support others in Climbing the Mountain Spiritual Direction, especially seeing the progress made by directees I have worked with long term. The surprise of requests from new directees, as well as letting go other directees who have chosen not to continue for their own reasons but still remaining in contact with me
- Continuing my Graduate Level Studies in Spiritual Theology with Avila Institute
- The birth of my first niece Macy Voštan!
- The visit of my Aunty Beth & Uncle Eric from England visiting us to spend time together
One of the hardest parts of this year has been learning the difficult news of my mum having Stage 4 Lung Cancer. It has been a fine line between trying to remain positive and support my mum during treatment, while also preparing myself (emotionally and spiritually) for the inevitable reality when the time comes.
It hit me the other week, that this is exactly why the Lord gave me the word of Matthew 1:23. Without the preparation from this word, and learning to live this reality everyday - I do not think I would have been able to handle the news about my mum’s diagnosis as well as I have. This does not mean that I have not had moments of crying and grief in accepting the news, because Lord knows how weak I am and how much I love my mum! But at the same time, in the midst of the grieving preparation/processing the news - I have been able to have a subtle but firm peace, knowing that God-is-with-me, my Emmanuel always faithful and ever loving. Purifying and strengthening my faith, while always drawing me deeper to himself through faith in darkness. But always trusting in his promise at the end of time to wipe away all my tears (Rev 21:4). So that I can feel the presence of the Lord in my mum’s love for me, and that she too will experience Jesus’ love for her through my relationship with her.
So what new word has the Lord given me for 2025?
As I prayed today, I was reflecting on it also being the 2 year anniversary of the death of my beloved Pope Benedict XVI. Going through my saved quotes of his, I was reminded of his teachings on the virtue of Hope and the essential necessity of it in our spiritual life. I then felt the Lord speaking to me - “Do not live as one without hope!”. As I looked this up I found it in 1 Thessalonians 4:13, but the context is regarding grieving the loss of loved ones. So as I prayed on this to discern if this is really the word the Lord is giving me, I then felt him confirm it for me with the words “you have a living hope” which come from 1 Peter 1:3.
With this upcoming year 2025 it could be easily for me to dismiss this word and confirmation from the Lord because this year is also the Jubilee Year of Hope! But believe it or not, I completely forgot about this until after I reflected on the verses from the Lord and then saw that 2025 is the Jubilee Year of Hope. So rather than invalidating my word, I see it as confirming it for me! This is because it is clear that not only is the entire Church called to live out our Hope in 2025, but in my own personal way the Lord is also calling me to learn how to live as one with WITH hope, because it is Jesus himself who is my living hope!
Thankyou Lord for your love for me that can so easily be forgotten, dismissed or ignored. So you yourself through the mystery of your Incarnation have become love made flesh as my Emmanuel, God-with-me. Your faithful presence is always the source of my hope, because are the Lord of the living who gives me new life - you are my living hope always with me, now and forever. Amen 🙌
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