Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Gay Catholics - Mystery of Suffering

When I first started this blog, I did it so as to be able to share my thoughts and feelings as I strove for authenticity. It was not in order to be pious or to be seen as holy in other's eyes. So now it is time for me to come clean...
When I was asking for all your prayers - it was because I was in the process of coming out as a gay catholic. This has been a long an difficult journey for me, but now I am more settled and have matured hence why I am planning to start re blogging again after so long.
I am no longer a practicing Catholic, but I still identify myself as Catholic regardless. Intellectually I am Catholic, but I do not practice my faith formally in receiving the sacraments. I am now actively homosexual (even though I acknowledge it is against the Bible and Church's teaching) however I still uphold and defend the teachings of the Church even if I do not live them myself.
Like all of you - I am struggling with Sin. This is a fact that no one can deny. I do not make any excuses for my sinfulness, it is between myself and God on Judgement Day, the Day of Wrath. I say that I am "struggling with sin" because I know my lifestyle is sinful, yet I still choose to live that way. It has taken me a long time to finally be able to see my homosexuality as God's way to sanctify me, my cross to bear - hence the title of this post "mystery of suffering".
It is hard for me to go to mass anymore as I am unable to receive Holy Communion. Obviously I am aware I am in a state of sin, yet I am not sorry. I do not have CONTRITION for my sins, so how can I confess? To me it would be a sacrilege to confess my sins in order to receive communion when I have no intention to change my lifestyle and be celibate and chaste. It is synonymous to an abortionist who knows they are committing mortal sin yet goes to confession to receive communion, yet they have three abortions already booked in after mass that they plan on performing. It would not be a genuine confession and therefore it would be sacrilegious. That is basically my current situation.
Slowly slowly I am beginning to see my homosexuality as a mystery of suffering - my cross to bear. Not in any pious, saccharine way but in a very real, raw and earthly sense. My lust, my desires, my inclination to sin can either be my cause of damnation or of my salvation! My same sex attraction is not something I can change, nor can I pray it away (i tried that for 8 years previously in and out of seminary). It is a part of my human condition, almost ontological. It makes me who I am. It often frustrates me intensely due to lust and loneliness, and it also alienates me from people. It alienates me from fellow Catholics who see me as not holy enough and not conforming to their ideals. It also alienates me from those in the gay community, as I am a Catholic. In spite of all my many faults - I intensely love the Church and God, and this alienates me from other homosexual people who have a deep hatred of God and the Church due to their perception of being discriminated against and rejected.
So this angst that comes from being a "Gay Catholic", this loneliness - it is a Mystery of Suffering, my Cross to bear. God's special way of sanctifying me in His Divine Providence. As ironic and sadistic as it may seem, it is a gift. A gift that will either save me or damn me, much in the same way as Free Will (the use of).
Please pray for me that I will be open to the Holy Spirit to help me to be Chaste. So that like Christ my "food will be to do the will of the Father" (Jn 4:34)


  1. Thanks for sharing!
    We should catch up sometime when I'm back in Perth for good! ^_^

  2. Your honestly is commendable.

  3. I can see that this would be a distressing dilemma for you, this 'sin' you carry, and you have no contrition for, a real dilemma indeed. What is alienating you from other Catholics is not that you're not meeting 'their' ideal, but you KNOW in your heart, you're not meeting the standard Jesus demands. It's not about us, but Him anyway. If you have no desire to have contrition, ask for the grace to desire it. "Lord I believe. Help my unbelief." or "Lord I have not wanted to be cleansed, and I don't yet, either, but unless I am, I won't be with You for eternity, so grant me the grace to desire to be contrite." You tell Him in your own words. You don't have to "feel" sorrow, but you do have to "have sorrow" so I'm confused by your post. One does have to conform and make an amendment to 'change one's life' and to 'stop sinning.' But we can't do it on our own strength. We all have our crosses. Some are heavier than others. But to walk a middle ground is impossible. You either hate sin, and love Truth, or you hate Truth, and love sin. It's not that complicated. I'll pray for you. We all struggle, but we can only be cleansed in the confessional ... but that has to be by 'our will.' God won't force His love or His will on anyone. God bless and help you to become "as holy as you should become." Read Card. Merry Del Val's "Litany of Humility." That should help you. You can't blur it up, though, by trusting in yourself to change. You can't change at all if you don't want to, however, but by His grace, and your will to conform to His, you can. You are loved as you are, but you're loved to be 'better' than you are. Completed and perfected IN Christ. You can't still be "ok with sin" and call yourself a Catholic. You can become an Anglican or an Episcopalian I guess, they seem to be able to mix sin and their faith quite well. May God help you.