Penance for love of God, not self righteous love of self

As we begin our Lenten fast with Ash Wednesday today - here is a good reflection from St John of the Cross on the motivation for penance and fasting 

 “For the sake of directing their joy in moral goods to God, Christians should keep in mind that the value of their good works, fasts, alms, penances, and so on, is not based on quantity and quality so much as on the love of God practiced in them; and consequently that these works are of greater excellence in the measure both that the love of God by which they are performed is more pure and entire and that self-interest diminishes with respect to pleasure, comfort, praise, and earthly or heavenly joy. They should not set their heart on the pleasure, comfort, savor, and other elements of self-interest these good works and practices usually entail, but recollect their joy in God and desire to serve him through these means. And through purgation and darkness as to this joy in moral goods they should desire in secret that only God be pleased and joyful over their works. They should have no other interest or satisfaction than the honor and glory of God. Thus all the strength of their will in regard to these moral goods will be recollected in God” (Ascent to Mount Carmel 3.27.5)

Testimony of the Irascible Hermit

I just wanted to share something with you all even though I’m not very active here. Here is my testimony 

I was a convert to Christ 20 years ago and I wanted to give my life to him so tried joining a religious order and also spent some time in the seminary. Things didn’t work out for various personal  reasons, internal politics and ultimately in hindsight due to Divine Providence. 

I’ve struggled on and off with my faith for the last ten years since I came out. Feeling rejected and unwanted so I rebelled and lived a promiscuous lifestyle. I would go through phases of trying to be right with God but then get frustrated with my struggles with lust and habitual sins, grow despondent and stop going to Church again. My biggest struggle was feeling misunderstood which brought on loneliness, self isolation, depression and anxiety. 

Just over a year ago I started to really recommit my life to God seriously. Getting rid of Grindr, stopping sexting and hookups, praying and going to Church again, and most importantly having fellowship with other people who shared my struggles as a Christian. Since that time I’ve had falls and low points especially when Covid hit. But God is always faithful and His love never ends. 

I started praying for a spiritual director and one day while praying the rosary, I got the name of a priest I used to know in my head and I had this overwhelming sense of peace. So I contacted him and he agreed to be my spiritual director. Just before this I also had a Coptic Orthodox priest randomly contact me out of the blue (turns out it was by accident), I had only ever met him once about 18 years ago. He offered me some support, advice and has also become a spiritual mentor for me. 

In the last year God has been working on healing me of unhealthy behaviours and rekindling my trust for him and love for him. The desire for religious/monastic life never left me all these years and I started feeling called to be a hermit, as a man consecrated to God to pray for and intercede for others who struggle with SSA and sexual addictions. So I started making this a daily prayer intention. 

I recently managed to write a Rule of Life that my spiritual director has approved, where my “charism” is to pray and atone for others who struggle with SSA and/or sexual addictions, as well as accepting my own depression and SSA as my personal Cross that I can unite with the suffering of Jesus so it becomes coredemptive. Last week I took my temporary vows of poverty, chastity and obedience and I am now a Catholic Lay Hermit. Praise God! 

I never thought I would be where I am today, and so many times with my journey with God I lost trust in Him and rejected His love. But he is faithful! 

I wanted to share my story to help encourage others of you who may be struggling in your journey or growing despondent. If He can do all this for me, weak and unfaithful as I am, then imagine what he can do for you too! 

I also want to add how important fasting has been for my self discipline. I am overweight and a stereotypical “bear”. I have never been able to commit to fasting. But lately I have been trying to abstain from red meat on Wednesdays and Friday’s, and some days going full vegetarian on those days. Since then I have noticed my struggles with purity, porn and masturbation has almost disappeared. I still get very tempted, but I find it much easier now to consciously decide to turn to prayer instead of going into the viscuous self pity, indulge and overindulge cycle that I used to be stuck in. 

I hope this testimony helps you in your journey, and that each day, every moment with every fall - always remember to turn back to Jesus again and again, because he is there with open arms waiting for us and offering the strength to continue the journey. 

Please pray for me as I pray for you all every time I pray the Divine Office, Rosary or the Divine Mercy chaplet. 

I would also like to give a special shout-out to James Parker for his personal witness, support and example for what he does for many of us, and for his personal encouragement - without his fellowship and support I would not be where I am today. 

The fellowship was my breakthrough point that made me FINALLY feel understood and my loneliness very quickly transformed into solitude where I could just be with God, in His loving presence and rest.

Professing my private vows 31/02/21

The challenge of forgiveness

Forgiving others can be one of the most difficult things, but yet it is a mandate from Jesus himself and he has also made it a condition for our own forgiveness. 

Everyday when we pray the Lord’s Prayer we pray “forgive us our trespasses AS WE FORGIVE those who trespass against us” 

How often do we take time to reflect on these words? So we truly understand them? 

If we have hardness of heart towards others, then we cannot be open to God’s grace, love and forgiveness. This is why Jesus teaches us that our forgiveness is conditional or relational for our forgiveness towards others. 

We cannot expect to be forgiven our sins whilst we harbour hatred and resentment towards others. This is the challenge of the Gospel for all of us who claim to be Christians and Children of God

The cell in monastic life

“The cell, it is like a dwelling where the groom is alone with his bride. It is a fertile place for the human soul to meet with its heavenly groom. The cell creates for the monk, the quiet and calm environment for a life of contemplation. Within the silent walls of the cell a monk prepares himself for the eternal retreat” 

- Monastic Prinicples 

Fr Raphael El-Baramousy 

Motu Proprio on allowing female Acolytes & Lectors

In light of Pope Francis now allowing women to be instituted as Acolytes & Lectors, here is my response an an instituted Acolyte myself 

Litany of Hermits

As I am discerning to be a consecrated hermit, and try to live as a lay hermit - I have written a litany of hermits that I pray after morning prayer to help keep me encouraged and inspired. 

Lord, have mercy on us. 


Christ, have mercy on us. 


Lord, have mercy on us. 


Christ, hear us - Christ, graciously hear us. 


God the Father of heaven, have mercy on us. (repeat after each line)


God the Son, Redeemer of the world, 


God the Holy Spirit, have mercy on us  


Holy Trinity, one God, have mercy on us 


Holy Mary, pray for us (repeat after each line)


Holy Mother of God, 


Holy Queen of Hermits, 

St Joseph Silent Patriarch 

St Elijah 

St Elias 

St Jeremiah 

St Simeon & Anna 

All you Holy hermits of Old and sons of the prophet 

St John Baptist 

St Mary Magdalene 

St Thecla 

St Paul first hermit 

St Anthony the great 

St Mary of Egypt 

St Jerome 

St Macarius

St Pachomias

St John Cassian 

All you desert fathers and mothers 

St Simeon Stylites 

St Isaac of Nineveh

St Romuald

St Bruno 

St Nicholas Flue 

St Maron 

St Peter Damian

St Francis of Assisi 

St Conrad of Piacenza

St Celestine 

St Catherine of Siena 

St Teresa of Avila 

St John of the Cross 

St Benedict Labre 

St Charbel

St Seraphim of Sarov 

Blessed Charles Foucold 

Blessed Eusebius of Erszetgom 

Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, spare us, O Lord. 
Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, graciously hear us, O Lord. 
Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, have mercy on us. 

O God, 

in every generation you raise hermits to seek you in silence and solitude in the desert, 

through their intercession and following their example, may we come to your holy mountain and see your face, 

we ask this through Christ our Lord who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God for ever and ever

Theotokos as the Burning Bush

“Moses saw the thorn bush which was on fire yet not burnt up. In it we see a sign of your virginity which all must honour; Mother of God, pray for us” 

- Antiphon 3 Evening Prayer, Solemnity of the Mother of God

https://stpaulcenter.com/the-burning-bush-theotokos-in-the-old-testament/

The year 2020

2020 has been a very challenging year for everyone - emotionally, financially and spiritually. 

This is the year that I have tried to put God first in my life, gotten a spiritual director, committed to praying everyday for those with SSA and sexual addictions, restarted altar serving as an acolyte, bought my first home, gotten my first pet cat (now have two) - and yet still manage to struggle with depression and a sense of failure regardless of how obvious God’s Divine Providence has been in my life. 

All that matters in the end is that we are reborn as Children of God, and we are loved by Love himself. 

Please pray for me 

Christ the King - the empire of our Redeemer embraces all men

Pope Pius XI in Quas Primas when instituting the Solemn Feast of Christ the King says : 

33. The faithful, moreover, by meditating upon these truths, will gain much strength and courage, enabling them to form their lives after the true Christian ideal. If to Christ our Lord is given all power in heaven and on earth; if all men, purchased by his precious blood, are by a new right subjected to his dominion; if this power embraces all men, it must be clear that not one of our faculties is exempt from his empire. He must reign in our minds, which should assent with perfect submission and firm belief to revealed truths and to the doctrines of Christ. He must reign in our wills, which should obey the laws and precepts of God. He must reign in our hearts, which should spurn natural desires and love God above all things, and cleave to him alone. He must reign in our bodies and in our members, which should serve as instruments for the interior sanctification of our souls, or to use the words of the Apostle Paul, as instruments of justice unto God.[35] If all these truths are presented to the faithful for their consideration, they will prove a powerful incentive to perfection. It is Our fervent desire, Venerable Brethren, that those who are without the fold may seek after and accept the sweet yoke of Christ, and that we, who by the mercy of God are of the household of the faith, may bear that yoke, not as a burden but with joy, with love, with devotion; that having lived our lives in accordance with the laws of God's kingdom, we may receive full measure of good fruit, and counted by Christ good and faithful servants, we may be rendered partakers of eternal bliss and glory with him in his heavenly kingdom.

May Christ the King reign in our mind, will, heart and body! Thy Kingdom come 🙏

Have courage - be patient with yourself, the spirituality of gentleness

I often find quotes from St Frances de Sales very encouraging, he gives very gentle advice as opposed to the Desert Fathers, St John of the Cross or St Josemaria who I like for their bluntness. 

His is the spirituality of gentleness. 

Good reminder for us all that no mattter how things are going, everyday and every moment is a fresh start. We can grow so frustrated with our habitual sins, but we need to have courage, to “Take heart” instead of being disheartened so we can continue the race, fighting the good fight one step at a time

St Jerome - the Library of Christ

As many of you know, the patron of this blog is the original irascible hermit himself, St Jerome - Doctor of the Church. 

Pope Francis has recently written an Apostolic Letter commemorating him, encouraging us to deepen our knowledge of scripture and follow the example of St Jerome. I highly recommend you check it out, one of the best things written by Pope Francis! 

Through the intercession of St Jerome the Library of Christ, may we all grow in love for the Word of God - especially hermits and those with fiery tempers. 

Here are two quotes which stood out for me : 

Devotion to sacred Scripture, a “living and tender love” for the written word of God: this is the legacy that Saint Jerome bequeathed to the Church by his life and labors. Now, on the sixteen hundredth anniversary of his death, those words taken from the opening prayer of his liturgical Memorial[1] give us an essential insight into this outstanding figure in the Church’s history and his immense love for Christ. That “living and tender love” flowed, like a great river feeding countless streams, into his tireless activity as a scholar, translator, and exegete. Jerome’s profound knowledge of the Scriptures, his zeal for making their teaching known, his skill as an interpreter of texts, his ardent and at times impetuous defense of Christian truth, his asceticism and harsh eremitical discipline, his expertise as a generous and sensitive spiritual guide – all these make him, sixteen centuries after his death, a figure of enduring relevance for us, the Christians of the twenty-first century..... 

Jerome consciously chose the desert and the eremitic life for their deeper meaning as a locus of fundamental existential decisions, of closeness and encounter with God. There, through contemplation, interior trials, and spiritual combat, he came to understand more fully his own weakness, his own limits, and those of others. There too, he discovered the importance of tears.[9] The desert taught him sensitivity to God’s presence, our necessary dependence on him and the consolations born of his mercy. Here, I am reminded of an apocryphal story in which Jerome asks the Lord: “What do you want of me?” To which Christ replies: “You have not yet given me everything”. “But Lord, I have given you all sorts of things”. “One thing you have not given me”. “What is that?” “Give me your sins, so that I may rejoice in forgiving them once more”.[10]

Pray for your enemies

I found out today that a priest who was quite horrible to me when I was in seminary has passed away. We had quite a personality clash, and I admit I was not an easy person to get along with as I was very arrogant - but he mistreated me a lot and I have always held a grudge against him. 

So when I found out today he had passed away, my initial reaction was not a charitable one. Lord forgive my hardness of heart . 

I have since repented of this, and prayed for his soul. Unfortunately I will always have negative memories of him - but today the Lord reminded me that I need to pray for him and if I want to follow Jesus I need to remember to love and pray for my enemies. 

This is one of the most challenging teachings of Jesus. It sounds paradoxical and pious on paper, but much harder to do in real life. 

Pray for me 

St Lawrence of Brindisi on the Bible

For the word of God is a light to the mind and a fire to the will. It enables man to know God and to love him. And for the interior man who lives by the Spirit of God, through grace, it is bread and water, but a bread sweeter than honey and the honeycomb, a water better than wine and milk. For the soul it is a spiritual treasure of merits yielding an abundance of gold and precious stones. Against the hardness of a heart that persists in wrongdoing, it acts as a hammer. Against the world, the flesh and the devil it serves as a sword that destroys all sin

Quote taken from a Sermon of his from the Office of Readings 

The denial of St Peter and our own unfaithfulness

Today being the Solemnity if Sts Peter & Paul got me reflecting on the denial of St Peter and my own unfaithfulness during the Covid pandemic while churches closed. 

At the beginning of the year as you can see from previous posts I was getting back into my faith, the sacraments, going to Mass up to 5 times a week and praying Divine Office daily. Then the pandemic struck... 

Just before it did,  my brother who I have lived with for 6 years got a girlfriend and moved out (great news is I have recently found out now I will be an uncle Praise God 🙏). Then Covd hit, my hours at work got halved and I had too much time on my hands trying to adjust to being home alone - feeling isolated and depressed. During this time I fell back into sinful habits, acted out and rarely prayed. 

My unfaithfulness during this time reminded me of St Peter’s denial of our Lord. We can be so passionate and enthusiastic about our love for Jesus, yet when adversity hits then our weakness and cowardice surfaces, just like St Peter. 

But we can also remember the Lord is merciful and always ready to forgive us as soon as we turn to Him. Jesus asks us to love Him and trust Him again and again, not counting our faults but showing new mercies every moment. Jesus is faithful to us in spite of our own unfaithfulness - like St Peter, we too can become great saints through repentance.