The Beauty of the Incarnation

Today I was a very angry and frustrated guy. My mum had to go into surgery and hospital for a giant abscess. Christmas lunch with the family was cancelled.
My family is not very close, so Christmas is the ONE time of year that we eat together as a family, and now my parents are separated it is even more special. So you can understand my disappointment.
But I was also angry, very angry with my mum. She does not look after her health, and a part of me was blaming her for ruining my Christmas - which is totally unfair.

So I was feeling very grinch like this Christmas eve. I went for a siesta, hoping to wake up sometime around lunchtime. But I ended up waking up about 8pm, so still had enough time to get ready and get to midnight mass.

Before mass there was carols as well as the rosary, A priest was next door hearing confessions. I have not prayed the rosary in a long time, but it felt good. It felt familiar and something that I had missed.

During the rosary I had an overwhelming desire to be able to have Holy Communion during Mass. But I was not in a state of grace, and had not been to confession in almost 3 years since I have began living a gay lifestyle.

I have spent so much time telling myself that confession is pointless, because I do not plan on changing my lifestyle and therefore do not want to have a sacrilegious confession. But I wanted to receive communion so bad. I was conflicted whether or not to go to confession or not. But I wanted Jesus is Holy Communion, I needed him. A spiritual communion was not enough for what my soul was needing at this point in time.

So I went to confession. I was rather nervous and scared, because it has been a long time. Also it was at a Latin Mass, so the priests often tend to be more serious about sin. I was worried the priest would be harsh, or possibly deny me absolution (I had a bad experience with that years ago from a well meaning but misguided conservative priest).

I knelt at the confessional and started "Forgive me Father it has been about 3 years since my last confession..."
Father replies "Praise God!!"
Well that was not the response I was expecting!! He was so welcoming to me and gentle. I had spent so much time telling myself how I do not deserve God's forgiveness because I am not contrite, or I am not ready to change my lifestyle. But I forgot that like the prodigal son - God is always waiting with outstretched arms, the same arms that were outstretched on the cross.

I explained to the priest that I often felt angry with God and rejected by the church, and this causes me to not try and be pure or frequent the sacraments anymore. Then he told me something very beautiful and powerful: he said that the mystery of the Incarnation means that Christ was born for ME, for each one of us. He said that even if no one else existed but me, Christ would still have been born for me, because he loves me and wants to be with me. He went through the agony on the cross for me, and me specifically. THIS IS THE BEAUTY OF THE INCARNATION. It is something I have always know intellectually, but it never touched my heart.

As father absolved me while I was making my act of contrition, I wanted to cry. God's mercy and forgiveness was so freely given to me, no matter how unworthy I felt. Christ was born for me and died for me. The only person stopping God;s forgiveness, was me.
Father asked me if I was staying for mass, to which I replied YES, I confessed so I could receive communion. Then he said something strange, he told me that my penance would be to receive communion.

I had never heard of that before. But i was so happy I was absolved and I was able to receive communion I did not care.

The irony is, I had been trying to punish myself by denying myself God's grace, God's forgiveness - I had been denying myself Jesus. Yet my penance was to receive Jesus in Holy Communion. My symbolic act of penance to finalise being in a state of Grace, was actually the very thing that would give me Sanctifying Grace - Jesus born for us and substantially present in the Eucharist.

When I had communion I got this lovely visual image in my head. As the host dissolved on my tongue, and I meditated on Jesus now physically present and united to me. I got an image of the infant Jesus, making his home, asleep and bundled within my heart. Similar to the image of St Gertrude with Jesus in her heart. The Beauty and the Mystery of the Incarnation - the Word made flesh, so that our flesh could become one with His and have Divine life. Or as St Athanasius said "God became man, so that man might become God"'

Praise God. I wish you all a very happy, safe, and blessed Christmas no matter who you are or where you are.

IT has been a long time since I have updated this blog.

It is one of those things that is always in the back of my mind, but I never get around to updating it. Too lazy - physically and spiritually.

I was planning to update it when my beloved Pope Benedict XVI abdicated and renounced the See of Peter. I remember I was catching up with a seminarian friend when I heard he had announced his resignation. I was in shock, I felt orphaned. Here was a man who I loved and admired a LOT. I felt he was restoring the Church slowly, and bringing back Orthodoxy and the beauty of worship in Liturgy.

My friend and I prayed a rosary for him and trusted in the Holy Spirit. But it was hard. I could not think of any Cardinals who were worthy enough, intellectual enough, orthodox enough to replace him.

Then out of no where came Pope Francis. I was in shock and very reserved, because he was a Jesuit, and I am not very fond of them lol.
There was so much talk of his so called "humility"' and the media was instantly in love with him.

This put me off him a lot. It felt like within a week, he was undoing what had taken Pope Benedict 8 years to restore. But slowly over time I am getting used to him. I am beginning to love him and respect him more, although sometimes I will admit he still makes me cringe.

One day I was thinking about Pope Benedict's legacy, and then it hit me. If I love and admire him so much - then I have to accept Pope Francis. If Pope Benedict had not stepped down, then Pope Francis would not have been elected. So in that regard it has helped me to be more open and positive towards him.

Although there are many things I am still wary of about him. He still is doing a lot of good in the Church. Helping restore the public image. Also I believe his request for prayer & fasting for Syria is a great grace.

Recently I have moved into a semi rural area, and I live close to a large shrine to Our Lady. So I went there today and prayed a Rosary for peace in Syria, for Pope Francis' intentions and also for Pope Benedict.

I will admit that I very rarely pray now. I only go to mass for Christmas and Easter. My prayer life is usually grace when I eat, then a Hail Mary everytime I drive past Our Lady's shine - and that is about it.

I had my first relationship recently for about 5 months. I loved it. It was so nice to finally have someone to love and care for, and have them love me back. Unfortunately the guy I was dating was not ready for a serious relationship and broke up with me. It hurt me a lot and made me realise a lot about myself. But at least now, I am beginning to make some more time for prayer again and starting to read again.

Currently I am reading a book on Eschatology by Matthew Levering. It is very well written, and deals with many issues not often discussed in modern theology anymore.

Anyway, this is my little update done for now. Hopefully it won't take me another year to update it again. Keep me in your prayers.

Technical Difficulties

As you can see, this blog is currently having technical difficulties in regards to the layout. I am unsure as to what I have done wrong and therefore do not know how to correct it LOL. Please be patient with me as I am not very technologically proficient. When I go to edit my blog it shows the layout in correct order, but as you can see all of the about me section and pics of the saints that used to be on the right hand side bar have now moved to the bottom of the page.

I will try to fix this as soon as possible.

Benedict the Magnificent - Pope of Christian Unity

After the charismatic Pontificate of Blessed John Paul II, I am sure that many people find Pope Benedict to be boring or even somewhat mediocre. However I wish to argue the opposite. I am convinced that Pope Benedict will go down in history as one of the best Popes in history. One day he will be Benedict the Magnificent, God willing.

A lot of what Pope Benedict has done and is doing for the Church may not be so evident yet, but in years to come we will see the results of his ministry. Not only has he brought about the "New Liturgical Movement" through his personal example, but also significantly through his Motu Proprio which officially states that the liturgy prior to Pope Paul VI has never been abrogated. This then in turn has helped refocus The Second Vatican Council in terms of Tradition and a "hermeneutic of continuity" as opposed to the popular and often heretical notion of the "Spirit of Vatican II".

Pope Benedict styled himself in his inauguration homily as a "humble worker in the vineyard of the Lord", and that is exactly what he is - HUMBLE. His personality is very quiet, timid almost and academic. Yet when you read his homilies and writings you get a sense of an amazing intellect which bursts forth with simple faith and theological clarity. He will go down in history for his CATECHESIS which is all too often neglected or politicised at the moment.

I remember reading once that Father Zuhlsdorf called Pope Benedict the "Pope of Christian Unity" due to his efforts in promoting Christian Unity - specifically in regards to bringing the Anglicans back and the discussions with the SSPX. It could also be mentioned his easing the tensions in China between the official and underground Churches there as well. Currently all of this may not seem so significant at the moment, however in years to come I believe we will see great fruits from all of these initiatives. As the Pope himself expressed in his Letter to the Bishops regarding the lifting of the excommunications to the Bishops of the SSPX:

I believe that I set forth clearly the priorities of my pontificate in the addresses which I gave at its beginning. Everything that I said then continues unchanged as my plan of action. The first priority for the Successor of Peter was laid down by the Lord in the Upper Room in the clearest of terms: "You… strengthen your brothers" (Lk 22:32). Peter himself formulated this priority anew in his first Letter: "Always be prepared to make a defence to anyone who calls you to account for the hope that is in you" (1 Pet 3:15). In our days, when in vast areas of the world the faith is in danger of dying out like a flame which no longer has fuel, the overriding priority is to make God present in this world and to show men and women the way to God. Not just any god, but the God who spoke on Sinai; to that God whose face we recognize in a love which presses "to the end" (cf. Jn 13:1) – in Jesus Christ, crucified and risen. The real problem at this moment of our history is that God is disappearing from the human horizon, and, with the dimming of the light which comes from God, humanity is losing its bearings, with increasingly evident destructive effects.

Leading men and women to God, to the God who speaks in the Bible: this is the supreme and fundamental priority of the Church and of the Successor of Peter at the present time. A logical consequence of this is that we must have at heart the unity of all believers. Their disunity, their disagreement among themselves, calls into question the credibility of their talk of God. Hence the effort to promote a common witness by Christians to their faith – ecumenism – is part of the supreme priority. Added to this is the need for all those who believe in God to join in seeking peace, to attempt to draw closer to one another, and to journey together, even with their differing images of God, towards the source of Light – this is interreligious dialogue. Whoever proclaims that God is Love "to the end" has to bear witness to love: in loving devotion to the suffering, in the rejection of hatred and enmity – this is the social dimension of the Christian faith, of which I spoke in the Encyclical Deus Caritas Est.

As we can see from this that the Pope links Christian unity to evangelisation and witness to the truth of God revealed in Jesus Christ. However it must be noted that in order to do this that there must be clarity of doctrine, this is where his Catechesis comes into play. Bl John Paul II is famous for his "Theology of the Body", however hardly anyone has drawn attention to Pope Benedict's Wednesday Catechesis which has been a systematic exposition of the Church's faith through history - starting with the Apostles, Church Fathers, Doctors of the Church, Medieval Mystics and so forth. He is showing that our understanding of the Faith must be linked back through Tradition, with the Communion of Saints. If we are not united with them in a common faith, then we are not in the Church. This is one of the biggest dangers of the Church in the present time - divorcing itself from history, from its origins and self creating itself in its own "image and likeness" in the modern day context, so that no longer is it the "Ekklesia" the community of believers set apart and called by God to be the "salt of the earth", but instead it becomes a modern say corporation with no soul.

So I invite all of you to pray for our timid and humble Pope, because he needs our prayers. Pray that he may be faithful in his ministry as the succesor of St Peter, pray that he may be the Rock that the Church needs inspite of all the internal politics of Bishops and Priests who sometimes publicly oppose, attack and ridicule him. As he himself recently said in one of his Wednesday audience:

From the first moment of my election as Successor of Saint Peter, also I have always felt supported by your prayer, by the prayer of the Church, above all in the most difficult moments. I thank you heartily. With constant and confident prayer, the Lord delivers us from the chains, leads us through any night of imprisonment that may torture our heart, grants us the serenity of heart to face the hardships of life, even rejection, opposition, persecution. The episode of Peter shows us the power of prayer. And the Apostle, even if in chains, feels calm, sure that he is never alone: the community is praying for him, the Lord is near; he also knows that "the power of Christ is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor 12, 9). Constant and unanimous prayer is a precious instrument also to overcome the trials that may appear in the path of life, because it means being deeply united to God, which allows us to be also deeply united to others.

Gay Catholics - Mystery of Suffering

When I first started this blog, I did it so as to be able to share my thoughts and feelings as I strove for authenticity. It was not in order to be pious or to be seen as holy in other's eyes. So now it is time for me to come clean...

When I was asking for all your prayers - it was because I was in the process of coming out as a gay catholic. This has been a long an difficult journey for me, but now I am more settled and have matured hence why I am planning to start re blogging again after so long.

I am no longer a practicing Catholic, but I still identify myself as Catholic regardless. Intellectually I am Catholic, but I do not practice my faith formally in receiving the sacraments. I am now actively homosexual (even though I acknowledge it is against the Bible and Church's teaching) however I still uphold and defend the teachings of the Church even if I do not live them myself.

Like all of you - I am struggling with Sin. This is a fact that no one can deny. I do not make any excuses for my sinfulness, it is between myself and God on Judgement Day, the Day of Wrath. I say that I am "struggling with sin" because I know my lifestyle is sinful, yet I still choose to live that way. It has taken me a long time to finally be able to see my homosexuality as God's way to sanctify me, my cross to bear - hence the title of this post "mystery of suffering".

It is hard for me to go to mass anymore as I am unable to receive Holy Communion. Obviously I am aware I am in a state of sin, yet I am not sorry. I do not have CONTRITION for my sins, so how can I confess? To me it would be a sacrilege to confess my sins in order to receive communion when I have no intention to change my lifestyle and be celibate and chaste. It is synonymous to an abortionist who knows they are committing mortal sin yet goes to confession to receive communion, yet they have three abortions already booked in after mass that they plan on performing. It would not be a genuine confession and therefore it would be sacrilegious. That is basically my current situation.

Slowly slowly I am beginning to see my homosexuality as a mystery of suffering - my cross to bear. Not in any pious, saccharine way but in a very real, raw and earthly sense. My lust, my desires, my inclination to sin can either be my cause of damnation or of my salvation! My same sex attraction is not something I can change, nor can I pray it away (i tried that for 8 years previously in and out of seminary). It is a part of my human condition, almost ontological. It makes me who I am. It often frustrates me intensely due to lust and loneliness, and it also alienates me from people. It alienates me from fellow Catholics who see me as not holy enough and not conforming to their ideals. It also alienates me from those in the gay community, as I am a Catholic. In spite of all my many faults - I intensely love the Church and God, and this alienates me from other homosexual people who have a deep hatred of God and the Church due to their perception of being discriminated against and rejected.

So this angst that comes from being a "Gay Catholic", this loneliness - it is a Mystery of Suffering, my Cross to bear. God's special way of sanctifying me in His Divine Providence. As ironic and sadistic as it may seem, it is a gift. A gift that will either save me or damn me, much in the same way as Free Will (the use of).

Please pray for me that I will be open to the Holy Spirit to help me to be Chaste. So that like Christ my "food will be to do the will of the Father" (Jn 4:34)

Update

It has been a very long time since I have updated this blog. A lot has happened in my life in regards to lifestyle etc. A big apology to any readers, thankyou for all your prayers. I plan to start updating this again soon. God Bless you all

The Gaze

There is a saying that says: When you look out into the abyss it looks back at you.

For many people this is a frightening thought, and gives them feelings of uncertainty and even anxiety. But we know that in the face of the Ultimate Mystery, of God, of Reality and Existence, all of us are searching and longing for Meaning and Love - Truth, Goodness, and Beauty.

In the face of existential anxiety we long for a deeper meaning, we are ultimately looking for Intimacy. This Gaze longs to behold the Face of the Other - the Beloved

Let your Face shine on us O Lord and we shall be saved (psalm 80:3)

There is a beautiful song by Celine Dion that I feel captures this sentiment

Laugh and cry,
live and die
Life is a dream we are dreaming
Day by day I find my way
Look for the soul and the meaning

Then you look at me
And I always see
What I have been searching for
I'm lost as can be
Then you look at me
And I am not lost anymore

People run, sun to sun,
Caught in their lives ever flowing
Once begun, life goes till it's gone
We have to go where it's going

Then you look at me
And I always see
What I have been searching for
I'm lost as can be
Then you look at me
And I am not lost anymore

And you say you see
When you look at me
The reason you love life so
Though lost I have been
I find love again
And life just keeps on running
And life just keeps on running
You look at me and life comes from you

Please pray for me

It has been a while since I have posted a blog on here. I am going through a difficult time in my life at the moment and ask you to please pray for me. As you know I believe in being authentic, but for a long time I have been struggling to live authentically and be true to myself and to God.

I am feeling confused at the moment, and even though I am entrusting myself to God's merciful love - I am still struggling. In some ways I feel upset with God for a few different reasons. I have tried so long to do everything I can to prove how much I love Him and want to serve Him, but it never seems to work out. It seems that on every level I have rejected in some way or another by God or the Church. Now I know that God doesn't reject us, especially when we have a humble and contrite heart (psalm 51) but I cannnot deny how I feel. It is a difficult thing to love and serve God when I feel rejected and unloved by Him.

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD!
O Lord, hear my voice!
Let your ears be attentive
to the voice of my pleas for mercy!

If you, O LORD, should mark iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness,
that you may be feared.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning,
more than watchmen for the morning.

Israel, hope in the LORD!
For with the LORD there is steadfast love,
and with him is plentiful redemption.
And he will redeem Israel
from all his iniquities.

Psalm 130

Lord I believe but help my unbelief,
I love you but help me to love you more and more.

Christians and Vampires

Lately there has been new Vampire craze due to the Twighlight novels and movies. Since I am feeling a little dark and gothic at the moment I thought I would write a little bit about Vampires and Christians.

Ever since Bram Stoker wrote the book Dracula, our image of what Vampires are has drastically changed from how they were originally seen. We tend to see Vampires as almost elegant, noble, sensual and even sexy. However for the Eastern European (Slavic) peoples who we get the legends from and even the word "vampire", they were unhuman - distorted versions of humanity. Originally the word for vampire, witch and werewolf were synonymous with eachother. This meant that the person was seen as unclean, devoid of grace and not really living - but a distortion of humanity. In Russia the Vampire was referred to as a heretic, someone who had rejected the truth of Christianity and now was living-dead.

We can see all this as allegories for us as Christians. Through sin we have lost our true humanity and are doomed to live but not have life within us. We live but spiritually we are dead. We become a sort of "Spiritual Vampire" in the sense that we need to feed on the Body and Blood of Jesus in order to have Eternal Life. The is the sublimity and at the same time earthy glory of the Eucharist. We Catholics believe that when we receive communion that we are not receiving Jesus symbolically, but really and truly present - Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity.

As a result of Original Sin and our own personal sins we have lost our humanity, we have lost grace and now are spiritually dead. So this is why we need to feed on the Life of Jesus who is the true Human. His Blood is His very Life, and it restores our humanity. Without Him we are just animalistic vicious disfigured distortions of who we are created to be.

So in this sense we could then say that Christians are the true Vampires

"We Can Turn to Her, and Our Heart Receives Light and Comfort"

Here is the address Benedict XVI delivered at midday before and after praying the Angelus on the solemnity of the Immaculate Conception of the Blessed Virgin Mary, together with the pilgrims gathered in St. Peter's Square.

* * *

Dear Brothers and Sisters!

The 8th of December we celebrate one of the most beautiful feasts of the Blessed Virgin Mary: the Solemnity of her Immaculate Conception. But what does it mean that Mary is the "Immaculate"? And what does this title tell to us?

First of all we refer to the biblical texts of today's liturgy, especially the great "fresco" of the third chapter of the Book of Genesis and the account of the Annunciation of the Gospel of Luke. After original sin, God turned to the serpent, which represents Satan, he curses him and adds a promise: "I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her seed; he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel" (Genesis 3:15).

It is the proclamation of revenge: Satan at the beginning of creation seems to have the upper hand, but the son of a woman will come who will crush his head. Thus, through the woman's offspring, God himself will triumph. That woman is the Virgin Mary, from whom was born Jesus Christ who, with his sacrifice, has defeated once and for all the ancient tempter. Because of this, in so many painting and statues of the Immaculate, she is represented in the act of crushing a serpent under her foot.

The evangelist Luke, instead, shows us the Virgin Mary who receives the annunciation of the heavenly messenger (cf. Luke 1:26-38). She appears as the humble and authentic daughter of Israel, true Zion in whom God wishes to make his dwelling. She is the young plant from which the Messiah must be born, the just and merciful King.

In the simplicity of the home of Nazareth lives Israel's pure remnant from which God wishes to have his people be born again, as a new tree that will extend its branches in the whole world, offering all men good fruits of salvation. As opposed to Adam and Eve, Mary remains obedient to the Lord's will, with her whole self she pronounces her "yes" and places herself fully at the disposition of the divine plan. She is the new Eve, true "mother of all the living" -- that is, of all those who by faith in Christ receive eternal life.

Dear friends, what immense joy to have Mary Immaculate as Mother! Every time we experience our frailty and the suggestion of evil, we can turn to her, and our heart receives light and comfort.

Also in life's trials, in the storms that make faith and hope vacillate, we think that we are her children and that the roots of our existence sink in the infinite grace of God. The Church herself, even if exposed to the negative influences of the world, always finds in her the star to direct and follow the route indicated by Christ.

Mary is in fact the Mother of the Church, as Pope Paul VI and Vatican Council II solemnly proclaimed. While, therefore, we render thanks to God for this wonderful sign of his goodness, we entrust to the Immaculate Virgin each one of us, our families and the community, the whole Church and the entire world.

Pilgrimage of Faith

Where are you leading me to and
Whom are you taking
me to, My Consoler?
Why do you lead me as one blind,
along ways that I know not,
and how is it that you make the
crooked paths before me straight?
What is this Pilgrimage of Faith
and where is its destination?

Confused in this wilderness,
lost in the dark desert -
where to now?
Why have you abandoned me
in the Silent Mystery of Solitude?
I search and thirst for meaning
in the aridity of my soul,
but nothing satisfies me.

Deeper and deeper I wander
searching for Truth,
longing for someone who will
be able to quench my thirst.
Desperate and vulnerable in my
Sheer Naked Desire,
I finally let go of everything
and abandon myself in Unknowing.

Here in the humility of Nothingness,
I suddenly pierce through the
overwhelming Melancholy of Illusion,
and my senses become flooded with Divine Light.
Purified and illuminated I have entered
into the Chamber of Transformative Union.

Here in the cavernous depths of Being,
enlightened by the Splendour of Love
I have discovered the True Fountain
of Living Water.
Overwhelmed by the anxiety of uncertainty,
I approach the pristine waters of consolation.
Gazing upon the Sparkling Brilliance,
I catch a glimpse of the Spirit
hovering over the River of Re-Creation.

Unable to resist the lure any longer,
I plunge myself into the unfathomable depths.
Immersed in this torrent of pleasure
and tasting the Sweetness of Presence,
I delve deeper and deeper into
the overflowing and outporing
Mystery of Infinite Encounter -
with the One who is the Omega Point.
The Source, Summit and Peak
of humanity in its progress towards
final and Everlasting Destination.

Methodius 10/1/2006

Deep calls to deep

In the deepest recesses of my soul
there is an Echo.
This echo is the voice of the Eternal One;
whispering to me from within.
From the heart of the tempest
the gentle breeze beckons,
as the haunting melody of the Deep cries out
from the roaring maelstrom of inner conflict.
The constant call of Eternity
is felt pulling upon the strings of the heart,
as the ebb and flow of the tide touch the shore.

Methodius 17/6/2006

Being-melancholic-while-agapic-for-the-Other

*This post is not about anyone in particular*

I am in quite a melancholic mood today.

Why is it that friends never seem to be there when you need them? It often feels as though I get let down by friends more often than not.

Maybe I have too high expectations of them? I suppose that's why I often feel let down or not supported by them. I try always to be there for my friends whenever they need me. If they need to talk at three am I will be available, or to be picked up in the middle of the night. If they need me to be there with them I will often be there within 30 minutes of them asking.

But it often feels like this isn't reciprocated. A lot of people assume that because I am a very strong willed and stubborn person that I don't need as much support from my friends as other people might. Well this simply isn't true.

Love of solitude isn't the same as being lonely. Although I do often like to do things on my own, it doesn't mean that I don't sometimes feel lonely. I really would like my friends to call me every now and then and ask me to catch up. But often I am the one who has to call first. It's like everybody has such busy and important lives that they don't have time for me, but when they need me - I will drop everything for them in an instant.

This isn't meant to be a "whinge-session" and I am not depressed. I am just ruminating over my feelings in regards to my friends and the seeming lack of relationship that I have with them.

Sometimes it just feels as though I have lots of acquaintances but not really anyone I can open my heart to. Who do I have that I can honestly connect to and be myself with, without having to be fake or pretending to be someone I'm not?

Without trying to be a martyr, I suppose I should view my situation as my Cross to bear from the Lord and see it as a participation in the loneliness of Jesus. In the sense that He had friends who He loved dearly, and yet they let Him down in His time of need. However He was always giving Himself completely to them no matter that they would not or even could not reciprocate. He gave the Gift of Self, His entire existence was AGAPIC.

In a certain sense this is what I try to do in my friendships with others. I try my best as is humanly possible to give myself completely to the person that I am with at the time. When I am with them I give Myself completely. This is part of my notion of living and being authentic.

As a result of this I often find myself bitterly disappointed with the reciprocation of the friendship - hence my melancholy. Most people do not seem to have the same ideals as I have or even the same notion and understanding of friendship. In my relationships, I try to see myself as "Being-for-an-Other" and holding nothing back for myself. Yet when I talk with some (not all) friends they barely even seem to be able to concentrate when I talk to them. This is one of them most frustrating and at the same time disheartening things that I experience.

When this happens I often experience a sure of rage welling up within me and then later on a deep sadness fills me. I feel so angry and bitter that my complete Gift of Self is treated so indifferently. It is as if I hand over to them my heart, and then they just nonchalantly glance and it and discard it without a second thought. This is why the deep sadness comes over me afterwards.

Slowly over time I am beginning to control my outrage after such incidents, but still struggle with the sadness and melancholy that sets in.

What keeps me strong though is knowing that so long as I continue to give of myself no matter what, that I am being true to myself. I am being AUTHENTIC. So long as I can die knowing that I have a clean conscience about being true with myself and others, I believe I will have lived a meaningful existence.

To be authentic I need to be AGAPIC - no matter how hard or disheartening it can be. For me this is part of my journey of becoming Christ like, no matter how often I fall short of that ideal. I know that I need to be just like Jesus and give no matter what the cost, even if I know beforehand that it will not or even cannot be reciprocated.

In spite of being a very imperfect Christian and notoriously irascible, I always strive to live sacrificially for my friends - to have an AGAPIC existence.

There is a beautiful song written by Don McLean that I find hauntingly Christological, and at the same time it touches me deeply. Hopefully if you can take the time to read the words and ruminate over them, you will begin to understand how I think and feel as a person.

Starry, starry night.
Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills,
Sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
In colors on the snowy linen land.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

Starry, starry night.
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,
Swirling clouds in violet haze,
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue.
Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.

Starry, starry night.
Portraits hung in empty halls,
Frameless head on nameless walls,
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the strangers that you've met,
The ragged men in the ragged clothes,
The silver thorn of bloody rose,
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will...

Papal Homily for Vespers of the First Sunday of Advent 2006

CELEBRATION OF FIRST VESPERS OF THE FIRST SUNDAY OF ADVENT
HOMILY OF HIS HOLINESS BENEDICT XV
Vatican Basilica
Saturday, 2 December 2006

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

The first antiphon of this evening's celebration is presented as the opening of the Advent Season and re-echoes as the antiphon of the entire liturgical year. Let us listen to it again: "Proclaim to the peoples: God our Saviour is coming".

At the beginning of a new yearly cycle, the liturgy invites the Church to renew her proclamation to all the peoples and sums it up in two words "God comes". These words, so concise, contain an ever new evocative power.

Let us pause a moment to reflect: it is not used in the past tense -- God has come, -- nor in the future -- God will come, -- but in the present: "God comes".

At a closer look, this is a continuous present, that is, an ever-continuous action: it happened, it is happening now and it will happen again. In whichever moment, "God comes".

The verb "to come" appears here as a theological verb, indeed theological, since it says something about God's very nature.

Proclaiming that "God comes" is equivalent, therefore, to simply announcing God himself, through one of his essential and qualifying features: his being the God-who-comes.

Advent calls believers to become aware of this truth and to act accordingly. It rings out as a salutary appeal in the days, weeks and months that repeat: Awaken! Remember that God comes! Not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today, now!

The one true God, "the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob", is not a God who is there in Heaven, unconcerned with us and our history, but he is the-God-who-comes.

He is a Father who never stops thinking of us and, in the extreme respect of our freedom, desires to meet us and visit us; he wants to come, to dwell among us, to stay with us.

His "coming" is motivated by the desire to free us from evil and death, from all that prevents our true happiness. God comes to save us.

The Fathers of the Church observe that the "coming" of God -- continuous and, as it were, co-natural with his very being -- is centred in the two principal comings of Christ: his Incarnation and his glorious return at the end of time (cf. Cyril of Jerusalem, Catechesis 15,1: PG 33, 870). The Advent Season lives the whole of this polarity.

In the first days, the accent falls on the expectation of the Lord's Final Coming, as the texts of this evening's celebration demonstrate.

With Christmas approaching, the dominant note instead is on the commemoration of the event at Bethlehem, so that we may recognize it as the "fullness of time".

Between these two "manifested" comings it is possible to identify a third, which St Bernard calls "intermediate" and "hidden", and which occurs in the souls of believers and, as it were, builds a "bridge" between the first and the last coming.

"In the first", St Bernard wrote, "Christ was our redemption; in the last coming he will reveal himself to us as our life: in this lies our repose and consolation" (Discourse 5 on Advent, 1).

The archetype for that coming of Christ, which we might call a "spiritual incarnation", is always Mary. Just as the Virgin Mother pondered in her heart on the Word made flesh, so every individual soul and the entire Church are called during their earthly pilgrimage to wait for Christ who comes and to welcome him with faith and love ever new.

The liturgy of Advent thus casts light on how the Church gives voice to our expectation of God, deeply inscribed in the history of humanity; unfortunately, this expectation is often suffocated or is deviated in false directions.

As a Body mystically united to Christ the Head, the Church is a sacrament, that is, a sign and an effective instrument of this waiting for God.

To an extent known to him alone, the Christian community can hasten his Final Coming, helping humanity to go forth to meet the Lord who comes.

And she does this first of all, but not exclusively, with prayer.

Next, essential and inseparable from prayer are "good works", as the prayer for this First Sunday of Advent declares, and in which we ask the Heavenly Father to inspire in us "the desire to go with good works" to Christ who comes.

In this perspective, Advent is particularly suited to being a season lived in communion with all those who -- and thanks be to God they are numerous -- hope for a more just and a more fraternal world.

In this commitment to justice, people of every nationality and culture, believers and non-believers, can to a certain extent meet. Indeed, they are all inspired by a common desire, even if their motivations are different, for a future of justice and peace.

Peace is the goal to which the whole of humanity aspires! For believers "peace" is one of the most beautiful names of God, who wants all his children to agree with one another, as I also had the opportunity to recall on my Pilgrimage in Turkey in the past few days.

A hymn of peace rang out in Heaven when God became man and was born of a woman in the fullness of time (cf. Gal 4:4).

Let us therefore begin this new Advent -- a time granted to us by the Lord of time -- by reawakening in our hearts the expectation of the God-who-comes and the hope that his Name will be hallowed, that his Kingdom of justice and peace will come, that his will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

Let us allow the Virgin Mary, Mother of the God-who-comes and Mother of Hope, to guide us in this waiting.

May she whom we will celebrate as Immaculate in a few days obtain for us that we be found holy and immaculate in love at the coming of Our Lord Jesus Christ, to whom, together with the Father and the Holy Spirit, be praise and glory for ever and ever. Amen.