The Gaze

There is a saying that says: When you look out into the abyss it looks back at you.

For many people this is a frightening thought, and gives them feelings of uncertainty and even anxiety. But we know that in the face of the Ultimate Mystery, of God, of Reality and Existence, all of us are searching and longing for Meaning and Love - Truth, Goodness, and Beauty.

In the face of existential anxiety we long for a deeper meaning, we are ultimately looking for Intimacy. This Gaze longs to behold the Face of the Other - the Beloved

Let your Face shine on us O Lord and we shall be saved (psalm 80:3)

There is a beautiful song by Celine Dion that I feel captures this sentiment

Laugh and cry,
live and die
Life is a dream we are dreaming
Day by day I find my way
Look for the soul and the meaning

Then you look at me
And I always see
What I have been searching for
I'm lost as can be
Then you look at me
And I am not lost anymore

People run, sun to sun,
Caught in their lives ever flowing
Once begun, life goes till it's gone
We have to go where it's going

Then you look at me
And I always see
What I have been searching for
I'm lost as can be
Then you look at me
And I am not lost anymore

And you say you see
When you look at me
The reason you love life so
Though lost I have been
I find love again
And life just keeps on running
And life just keeps on running
You look at me and life comes from you

Please pray for me

It has been a while since I have posted a blog on here. I am going through a difficult time in my life at the moment and ask you to please pray for me. As you know I believe in being authentic, but for a long time I have been struggling to live authentically and be true to myself and to God.

I am feeling confused at the moment, and even though I am entrusting myself to God's merciful love - I am still struggling. In some ways I feel upset with God for a few different reasons. I have tried so long to do everything I can to prove how much I love Him and want to serve Him, but it never seems to work out. It seems that on every level I have rejected in some way or another by God or the Church. Now I know that God doesn't reject us, especially when we have a humble and contrite heart (psalm 51) but I cannnot deny how I feel. It is a difficult thing to love and serve God when I feel rejected and unloved by Him.

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD!
O Lord, hear my voice!
Let your ears be attentive
to the voice of my pleas for mercy!

If you, O LORD, should mark iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness,
that you may be feared.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning,
more than watchmen for the morning.

Israel, hope in the LORD!
For with the LORD there is steadfast love,
and with him is plentiful redemption.
And he will redeem Israel
from all his iniquities.

Psalm 130

Lord I believe but help my unbelief,
I love you but help me to love you more and more.

Christians and Vampires

Lately there has been new Vampire craze due to the Twighlight novels and movies. Since I am feeling a little dark and gothic at the moment I thought I would write a little bit about Vampires and Christians.

Ever since Bram Stoker wrote the book Dracula, our image of what Vampires are has drastically changed from how they were originally seen. We tend to see Vampires as almost elegant, noble, sensual and even sexy. However for the Eastern European (Slavic) peoples who we get the legends from and even the word "vampire", they were unhuman - distorted versions of humanity. Originally the word for vampire, witch and werewolf were synonymous with eachother. This meant that the person was seen as unclean, devoid of grace and not really living - but a distortion of humanity. In Russia the Vampire was referred to as a heretic, someone who had rejected the truth of Christianity and now was living-dead.

We can see all this as allegories for us as Christians. Through sin we have lost our true humanity and are doomed to live but not have life within us. We live but spiritually we are dead. We become a sort of "Spiritual Vampire" in the sense that we need to feed on the Body and Blood of Jesus in order to have Eternal Life. The is the sublimity and at the same time earthy glory of the Eucharist. We Catholics believe that when we receive communion that we are not receiving Jesus symbolically, but really and truly present - Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity.

As a result of Original Sin and our own personal sins we have lost our humanity, we have lost grace and now are spiritually dead. So this is why we need to feed on the Life of Jesus who is the true Human. His Blood is His very Life, and it restores our humanity. Without Him we are just animalistic vicious disfigured distortions of who we are created to be.

So in this sense we could then say that Christians are the true Vampires

"We Can Turn to Her, and Our Heart Receives Light and Comfort"

Here is the address Benedict XVI delivered at midday before and after praying the Angelus on the solemnity of the Immaculate Conception of the Blessed Virgin Mary, together with the pilgrims gathered in St. Peter's Square.

* * *

Dear Brothers and Sisters!

The 8th of December we celebrate one of the most beautiful feasts of the Blessed Virgin Mary: the Solemnity of her Immaculate Conception. But what does it mean that Mary is the "Immaculate"? And what does this title tell to us?

First of all we refer to the biblical texts of today's liturgy, especially the great "fresco" of the third chapter of the Book of Genesis and the account of the Annunciation of the Gospel of Luke. After original sin, God turned to the serpent, which represents Satan, he curses him and adds a promise: "I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her seed; he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel" (Genesis 3:15).

It is the proclamation of revenge: Satan at the beginning of creation seems to have the upper hand, but the son of a woman will come who will crush his head. Thus, through the woman's offspring, God himself will triumph. That woman is the Virgin Mary, from whom was born Jesus Christ who, with his sacrifice, has defeated once and for all the ancient tempter. Because of this, in so many painting and statues of the Immaculate, she is represented in the act of crushing a serpent under her foot.

The evangelist Luke, instead, shows us the Virgin Mary who receives the annunciation of the heavenly messenger (cf. Luke 1:26-38). She appears as the humble and authentic daughter of Israel, true Zion in whom God wishes to make his dwelling. She is the young plant from which the Messiah must be born, the just and merciful King.

In the simplicity of the home of Nazareth lives Israel's pure remnant from which God wishes to have his people be born again, as a new tree that will extend its branches in the whole world, offering all men good fruits of salvation. As opposed to Adam and Eve, Mary remains obedient to the Lord's will, with her whole self she pronounces her "yes" and places herself fully at the disposition of the divine plan. She is the new Eve, true "mother of all the living" -- that is, of all those who by faith in Christ receive eternal life.

Dear friends, what immense joy to have Mary Immaculate as Mother! Every time we experience our frailty and the suggestion of evil, we can turn to her, and our heart receives light and comfort.

Also in life's trials, in the storms that make faith and hope vacillate, we think that we are her children and that the roots of our existence sink in the infinite grace of God. The Church herself, even if exposed to the negative influences of the world, always finds in her the star to direct and follow the route indicated by Christ.

Mary is in fact the Mother of the Church, as Pope Paul VI and Vatican Council II solemnly proclaimed. While, therefore, we render thanks to God for this wonderful sign of his goodness, we entrust to the Immaculate Virgin each one of us, our families and the community, the whole Church and the entire world.

Pilgrimage of Faith

Where are you leading me to and
Whom are you taking
me to, My Consoler?
Why do you lead me as one blind,
along ways that I know not,
and how is it that you make the
crooked paths before me straight?
What is this Pilgrimage of Faith
and where is its destination?

Confused in this wilderness,
lost in the dark desert -
where to now?
Why have you abandoned me
in the Silent Mystery of Solitude?
I search and thirst for meaning
in the aridity of my soul,
but nothing satisfies me.

Deeper and deeper I wander
searching for Truth,
longing for someone who will
be able to quench my thirst.
Desperate and vulnerable in my
Sheer Naked Desire,
I finally let go of everything
and abandon myself in Unknowing.

Here in the humility of Nothingness,
I suddenly pierce through the
overwhelming Melancholy of Illusion,
and my senses become flooded with Divine Light.
Purified and illuminated I have entered
into the Chamber of Transformative Union.

Here in the cavernous depths of Being,
enlightened by the Splendour of Love
I have discovered the True Fountain
of Living Water.
Overwhelmed by the anxiety of uncertainty,
I approach the pristine waters of consolation.
Gazing upon the Sparkling Brilliance,
I catch a glimpse of the Spirit
hovering over the River of Re-Creation.

Unable to resist the lure any longer,
I plunge myself into the unfathomable depths.
Immersed in this torrent of pleasure
and tasting the Sweetness of Presence,
I delve deeper and deeper into
the overflowing and outporing
Mystery of Infinite Encounter -
with the One who is the Omega Point.
The Source, Summit and Peak
of humanity in its progress towards
final and Everlasting Destination.

Methodius 10/1/2006

Deep calls to deep

In the deepest recesses of my soul
there is an Echo.
This echo is the voice of the Eternal One;
whispering to me from within.
From the heart of the tempest
the gentle breeze beckons,
as the haunting melody of the Deep cries out
from the roaring maelstrom of inner conflict.
The constant call of Eternity
is felt pulling upon the strings of the heart,
as the ebb and flow of the tide touch the shore.

Methodius 17/6/2006

Being-melancholic-while-agapic-for-the-Other

*This post is not about anyone in particular*

I am in quite a melancholic mood today.

Why is it that friends never seem to be there when you need them? It often feels as though I get let down by friends more often than not.

Maybe I have too high expectations of them? I suppose that's why I often feel let down or not supported by them. I try always to be there for my friends whenever they need me. If they need to talk at three am I will be available, or to be picked up in the middle of the night. If they need me to be there with them I will often be there within 30 minutes of them asking.

But it often feels like this isn't reciprocated. A lot of people assume that because I am a very strong willed and stubborn person that I don't need as much support from my friends as other people might. Well this simply isn't true.

Love of solitude isn't the same as being lonely. Although I do often like to do things on my own, it doesn't mean that I don't sometimes feel lonely. I really would like my friends to call me every now and then and ask me to catch up. But often I am the one who has to call first. It's like everybody has such busy and important lives that they don't have time for me, but when they need me - I will drop everything for them in an instant.

This isn't meant to be a "whinge-session" and I am not depressed. I am just ruminating over my feelings in regards to my friends and the seeming lack of relationship that I have with them.

Sometimes it just feels as though I have lots of acquaintances but not really anyone I can open my heart to. Who do I have that I can honestly connect to and be myself with, without having to be fake or pretending to be someone I'm not?

Without trying to be a martyr, I suppose I should view my situation as my Cross to bear from the Lord and see it as a participation in the loneliness of Jesus. In the sense that He had friends who He loved dearly, and yet they let Him down in His time of need. However He was always giving Himself completely to them no matter that they would not or even could not reciprocate. He gave the Gift of Self, His entire existence was AGAPIC.

In a certain sense this is what I try to do in my friendships with others. I try my best as is humanly possible to give myself completely to the person that I am with at the time. When I am with them I give Myself completely. This is part of my notion of living and being authentic.

As a result of this I often find myself bitterly disappointed with the reciprocation of the friendship - hence my melancholy. Most people do not seem to have the same ideals as I have or even the same notion and understanding of friendship. In my relationships, I try to see myself as "Being-for-an-Other" and holding nothing back for myself. Yet when I talk with some (not all) friends they barely even seem to be able to concentrate when I talk to them. This is one of them most frustrating and at the same time disheartening things that I experience.

When this happens I often experience a sure of rage welling up within me and then later on a deep sadness fills me. I feel so angry and bitter that my complete Gift of Self is treated so indifferently. It is as if I hand over to them my heart, and then they just nonchalantly glance and it and discard it without a second thought. This is why the deep sadness comes over me afterwards.

Slowly over time I am beginning to control my outrage after such incidents, but still struggle with the sadness and melancholy that sets in.

What keeps me strong though is knowing that so long as I continue to give of myself no matter what, that I am being true to myself. I am being AUTHENTIC. So long as I can die knowing that I have a clean conscience about being true with myself and others, I believe I will have lived a meaningful existence.

To be authentic I need to be AGAPIC - no matter how hard or disheartening it can be. For me this is part of my journey of becoming Christ like, no matter how often I fall short of that ideal. I know that I need to be just like Jesus and give no matter what the cost, even if I know beforehand that it will not or even cannot be reciprocated.

In spite of being a very imperfect Christian and notoriously irascible, I always strive to live sacrificially for my friends - to have an AGAPIC existence.

There is a beautiful song written by Don McLean that I find hauntingly Christological, and at the same time it touches me deeply. Hopefully if you can take the time to read the words and ruminate over them, you will begin to understand how I think and feel as a person.

Starry, starry night.
Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day,
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Shadows on the hills,
Sketch the trees and the daffodils,
Catch the breeze and the winter chills,
In colors on the snowy linen land.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

Starry, starry night.
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,
Swirling clouds in violet haze,
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue.
Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they did not know how.
Perhaps they'll listen now.

For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you.

Starry, starry night.
Portraits hung in empty halls,
Frameless head on nameless walls,
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the strangers that you've met,
The ragged men in the ragged clothes,
The silver thorn of bloody rose,
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will...

Papal Homily for Vespers of the First Sunday of Advent 2006

CELEBRATION OF FIRST VESPERS OF THE FIRST SUNDAY OF ADVENT
HOMILY OF HIS HOLINESS BENEDICT XV
Vatican Basilica
Saturday, 2 December 2006

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

The first antiphon of this evening's celebration is presented as the opening of the Advent Season and re-echoes as the antiphon of the entire liturgical year. Let us listen to it again: "Proclaim to the peoples: God our Saviour is coming".

At the beginning of a new yearly cycle, the liturgy invites the Church to renew her proclamation to all the peoples and sums it up in two words "God comes". These words, so concise, contain an ever new evocative power.

Let us pause a moment to reflect: it is not used in the past tense -- God has come, -- nor in the future -- God will come, -- but in the present: "God comes".

At a closer look, this is a continuous present, that is, an ever-continuous action: it happened, it is happening now and it will happen again. In whichever moment, "God comes".

The verb "to come" appears here as a theological verb, indeed theological, since it says something about God's very nature.

Proclaiming that "God comes" is equivalent, therefore, to simply announcing God himself, through one of his essential and qualifying features: his being the God-who-comes.

Advent calls believers to become aware of this truth and to act accordingly. It rings out as a salutary appeal in the days, weeks and months that repeat: Awaken! Remember that God comes! Not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today, now!

The one true God, "the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob", is not a God who is there in Heaven, unconcerned with us and our history, but he is the-God-who-comes.

He is a Father who never stops thinking of us and, in the extreme respect of our freedom, desires to meet us and visit us; he wants to come, to dwell among us, to stay with us.

His "coming" is motivated by the desire to free us from evil and death, from all that prevents our true happiness. God comes to save us.

The Fathers of the Church observe that the "coming" of God -- continuous and, as it were, co-natural with his very being -- is centred in the two principal comings of Christ: his Incarnation and his glorious return at the end of time (cf. Cyril of Jerusalem, Catechesis 15,1: PG 33, 870). The Advent Season lives the whole of this polarity.

In the first days, the accent falls on the expectation of the Lord's Final Coming, as the texts of this evening's celebration demonstrate.

With Christmas approaching, the dominant note instead is on the commemoration of the event at Bethlehem, so that we may recognize it as the "fullness of time".

Between these two "manifested" comings it is possible to identify a third, which St Bernard calls "intermediate" and "hidden", and which occurs in the souls of believers and, as it were, builds a "bridge" between the first and the last coming.

"In the first", St Bernard wrote, "Christ was our redemption; in the last coming he will reveal himself to us as our life: in this lies our repose and consolation" (Discourse 5 on Advent, 1).

The archetype for that coming of Christ, which we might call a "spiritual incarnation", is always Mary. Just as the Virgin Mother pondered in her heart on the Word made flesh, so every individual soul and the entire Church are called during their earthly pilgrimage to wait for Christ who comes and to welcome him with faith and love ever new.

The liturgy of Advent thus casts light on how the Church gives voice to our expectation of God, deeply inscribed in the history of humanity; unfortunately, this expectation is often suffocated or is deviated in false directions.

As a Body mystically united to Christ the Head, the Church is a sacrament, that is, a sign and an effective instrument of this waiting for God.

To an extent known to him alone, the Christian community can hasten his Final Coming, helping humanity to go forth to meet the Lord who comes.

And she does this first of all, but not exclusively, with prayer.

Next, essential and inseparable from prayer are "good works", as the prayer for this First Sunday of Advent declares, and in which we ask the Heavenly Father to inspire in us "the desire to go with good works" to Christ who comes.

In this perspective, Advent is particularly suited to being a season lived in communion with all those who -- and thanks be to God they are numerous -- hope for a more just and a more fraternal world.

In this commitment to justice, people of every nationality and culture, believers and non-believers, can to a certain extent meet. Indeed, they are all inspired by a common desire, even if their motivations are different, for a future of justice and peace.

Peace is the goal to which the whole of humanity aspires! For believers "peace" is one of the most beautiful names of God, who wants all his children to agree with one another, as I also had the opportunity to recall on my Pilgrimage in Turkey in the past few days.

A hymn of peace rang out in Heaven when God became man and was born of a woman in the fullness of time (cf. Gal 4:4).

Let us therefore begin this new Advent -- a time granted to us by the Lord of time -- by reawakening in our hearts the expectation of the God-who-comes and the hope that his Name will be hallowed, that his Kingdom of justice and peace will come, that his will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

Let us allow the Virgin Mary, Mother of the God-who-comes and Mother of Hope, to guide us in this waiting.

May she whom we will celebrate as Immaculate in a few days obtain for us that we be found holy and immaculate in love at the coming of Our Lord Jesus Christ, to whom, together with the Father and the Holy Spirit, be praise and glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Advent - The Coming of the Lord

There will be signs in the sun and moon and stars; on earth nations in agony, bewildered by the clamour of the ocean and its waves; men dying of fear as they await what menaces the world, for the powers of heaven will be shaken. And then they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. When these things begin to take place, stand erect, hold your heads high, because your liberation is near at hand.
Watch yourselves, or your hearts will be coarsened with debauchery and drunkenness and the cares of life, and that day will be sprung on you suddenly, like a trap. For it will come down on every living man on the face of the earth. Stay awake, praying at all times for the strength to survive all that is going to happen and to stand with confidence before the Son of Man
Luke 21:25-28, 43-36

Advent is a time of waiting, of expectation, of preparation and more importantly of hope. This might not seem the case from this Sunday's Gospel - but if we look a little deeper into the words we shall see that it is indeed a time of Hope. It is an Eschatological Hope.

Jesus warns us about all the terrible things that will be happening when He comes in Glory at the Second Coming (Parousia), He says that "Men will die of fear". But what does He tell us to do? Take place, stand erect, hold your heads high, because your liberation is near at hand
Why? Because Jesus is our Hope "For in hope we were saved" Romans 8:24. We know that our help is in the Name of the Lord and that our "Liberation is near at hand" Luke 21:28

We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.
For those he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, so that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.And those he predestined he also called; and those he called he also justified; and those he justified he also glorified.
What then shall we say to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?
He who did not spare his own Son but handed him over for us all, how will he not also give us everything else along with him? Who will bring a charge against God's chosen ones?
It is God who acquits us. Who will condemn? It is Christ (Jesus) who died, rather, was raised, who also is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us.
What will separate us from the love of Christ? Will anguish, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or the sword?
As it is written: "For your sake we are being slain all the day; we are looked upon as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we conquer overwhelmingly through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers,nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:28-39

We know that when we are united with Jesus, nothing can separate us from His Love - nothing can separate us from Him. We need to have Faith in His Promises and Trust in Him.

Jesus is the Light of the World, He is the Light that dispels all Darkness. He is the Coming One who is coming in Glory on the Clouds. The first time He came humbly and hidden. He was born a little child in Bethlehem (the House of Bread) so that He would become the Life of the world. Now we wait for Him to come again in Glory, to stop all injustice and hatred. We long and we yearn for Him to establish His Kingdom so that the Sacred Heart of Jesus will reign in the heart's of ALL men.

We, who have the gift of Faith have no need to fear. For fear is a sign of unbelief. Rather we should always be praying to the Lord that He increase our faith, that He might strengthen it - so that like the man in the Gospel we can say "Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief!" Mark 9:24

Whenever we pray the Lord's Prayer we are praying for the end of this world (or this age, the Eschaton). "Thy Kingdom Come!" How many of us are aware of this when we pray? When God's Kingdom has finally been established here on earth there will be no more wickedness, or sin, or evil, or pain, or sorrow , or even death. Everything will be subject to Him to whom belongs "the Kingdom the power and the Glory, now and forever" AMEN

So this Advent, as we prepare ourselves for the Coming of Jesus. Let us remember both His first coming in the flesh and His Second Coming in Glory.

As the mystic Angelus Silesius said:

"Even if Christ were born a thousand times in Bethlehem / If he is not born in thee you are lost for eternity."

So let us ache for Him so much that we make room for Him in our Hearts. That He will be born in our Heart so that the reign of His Sacred Heart may begin from within. This requires a conversion (metanoia) in our daily walk of faith. The beginning of the Kingdom starts will the Call to Conversion "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand!" Matthew 3:2

When we have made room for Jesus in our Heart through Repentance, we can then conceive Him in our heart through faith and the power of the Holy Spirit. The more we nourish Him in our heart through faith, the better we will be to receive Him in the Eucharist. Then truly united with Him in Holy Communion we will have no fear for Him to return in Glory. This is why the Priest prays in the Mass after the Lord's Prayer: “in your mercy keep us free from sin as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our savior Jesus Christ".

We wait for JOY because we know that our God has come to fulfill His Promise of Liberation, or Redemption and Final Salvation! Our Salvation began when we were Baptised, and sealed with the Spirit in Confirmation. Advent then is for us a time of joyful hope as we wait for Jesus to come and complete the process of Salvation that began when we were "reborn" in Water and Spirit and made "sons in the Son" and "Co-heirs with Christ".

May the Lord "confirm your hearts in holiness that you may be blameless in the sight of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus Christ comes with all his saints." 1 Thessalonians 3:13

Covenant and Communion

I just bought my copy of Scott Hahn's new book "Covenant and Communion: the Biblical Theology of Pope Benedict XVI"

It has many great reviews and looks to be an informative and inspiring read. It is a hardback and I bought it for only $27.95 from Koorong!!

An interesting note...Scott Hahn says that Pope Benedict's biblical theology will be an even bigger "time bomb" (as George Weigel called it) than Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body!

On Searching for Truth

My good friend Mythos has a very good post over on his blog about truth

Please take a look and leave some comments. His blog is also about honesty, truth and authenticity but from an atheist point of view.

What birds plunge through is not the intimate space,
in which you see all Forms intensified.
(In the Open, denied, you would lose yourself,
would disappear into that vastness.)

Space reaches from us and translates Things:
to become the very essence of a tree,
throw inner space around it, from that space
that lives in you. Encircle it with restraint.
It has no limits. For the first time, shaped
in your renouncing, it becomes fully tree.

Rainer Maria Rilke

World Was In The Face Of The Beloved

World was in the face of the beloved--,
but suddenly it poured out and was gone:
world is outside, world can not be grasped.

Why didn't I, from the full, beloved face
as I raised it to my lips, why didn't I drink
world, so near that I couldn't almost taste it?

Ah, I drank. Insatiably I drank.
But I was filled up also, with too much
world, and, drinking, I myself ran over.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Beutiful Poem by Rilke Rainer Maria

I am Much Too Alone in this World

I am much too alone in this world, yet not alone
enough
to truly consecrate the hour.
I am much too small in this world, yet not small
enough
to be to you just object and thing,
dark and smart.
I want my free will and want it accompanying
the path which leads to action;
and want during times that beg questions,
where something is up,
to be among those in the know,
or else be alone.

I want to mirror your image to its fullest perfection,
never be blind or too old
to uphold your weighty wavering reflection.
I want to unfold.
Nowhere I wish to stay crooked, bent;
for there I would be dishonest, untrue.
I want my conscience to be
true before you;
want to describe myself like a picture I observed
for a long time, one close up,
like a new word I learned and embraced,
like the everyday jug,
like my mother's face,
like a ship that carried me along
through the deadliest storm.

Rilke Rainer Maria