Ruminations of an Irascible Hermit.: I chose Jesus, but He chose me first

Friday, July 14, 2023

I chose Jesus, but He chose me first

On this day, 21 years ago I was baptised and became a Child of the Father, a Temple of the Holy Spirit and united to Christ. I was 18 years old, did not fully understand what baptism meant - for me at the time it was a formality I thought I had to do so I could be Catholic. I was baptised in secret because my dad hates religion and so to keep peace at home I had to keep it a secret, this meant my own mum could not even come to my baptism.

I only had a few close friends present, my two grandfathers, an aunt, and my great aunty Anna who was my godmother - or as I called her in our family dialect, my Šontula. My baptism ceremony was done in the Croatian Church and most of the ceremony in Croatian by the priest, so not only did I not understand the meaning of what I was doing, but I did not understand much of the ceremony either. But the words of my Baptist aunt to me afterwards have always stuck with me “today is the first day of your new life”.

I have had a very dramatic and eventful spiritual journey in following Jesus and living His Gospel. From being new age/Wiccan before my conversion, then a periodic Catholic, becoming a novice with the Salvatorians, spending a period in the diocesan seminary, having a breakdown, applying for a monastery in Croatia and moving there only to find out there was a miscommunication and I would not be accepted, feeling so rejected when I got back to Australia that I decided to live an immoral lifestyle for many years, to now being the eccentric Bogan hermit that I am today. Throughout all my search for belonging, Jesus has gently been with me through it all, guiding me and calling me into intimacy with Him - even through my darkness moments of pain, rejection, loneliness and shame. No matter what, He called me and chose me as His, and instinctively I have tried to hold onto this in my own flawed ways when even I could not understand why I was still holding on! But He is always faithful, even when we are not.

As I was meditating on my past 21 years and the gift of faith I have received, I instantly felt in my mind the words from John 15:16 “you did not choose me, but I chose you”. Then when I checked the Mass readings for today for St Camillus and this was part of the Gospel reading for his feast!

Thankyou Lord for choosing me, weak as I am. I am a grumpy, impatient, passionate bogan wog and not most people’s expectation of a Catholic, let alone a hermit! But my prayer everyday is always “Lord, YOU KNOW I love you, but help me to love you more” 🙌💪🏻

Slightly rephrasing the words of St Francis of Assisi, I like to say that if God can work through me and I can change, then anyone can! You don’t have to be anyone else but you and the person Jesus invites you to be and become as you follow Him!

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Disclaimer

Please note. I am a Catholic layman, not a qualified theologian or philosopher. What I say and write here are my own personal thoughts and ideas, although I always try to conform my writings to the Magisterium of the Church.

I- with firm faith believe and profess everything that is contained in the symbol of faith: namely,

I believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen. I believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, one in Being with the Father. Through him all things were made. For us men and for our salvation he came down from heaven: By the power of the Holy Spirit, he was born of the Virgin Mary, and became man. For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate; he suffered, died and was buried. On the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the Scriptures; he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. With the Father and the Son he is worshipped and glorified. He has spoken through the Prophets. I believe in the one holy catholic and apostolic church. I acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. I look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.

With firm faith I believe as well everything contained in God's word, written or handed down in tradition and proposed by the church--whether in solemn judgment or in the ordinary and universal Magisterium--as divinely revealed and called for faith.

I also firmly accept and hold each and every thing that is proposed by that same church definitively with regard to teaching concerning faith or morals.

What is more, I adhere with religious submission of will and intellect to the teachings which either the Roman pontiff or the college of bishops enunciate when they exercise the authentic Magisterium even if they proclaim those teachings in an act that is not definitive.