Penance for love of God, not self righteous love of self

As we begin our Lenten fast with Ash Wednesday today - here is a good reflection from St John of the Cross on the motivation for penance and fasting 

 “For the sake of directing their joy in moral goods to God, Christians should keep in mind that the value of their good works, fasts, alms, penances, and so on, is not based on quantity and quality so much as on the love of God practiced in them; and consequently that these works are of greater excellence in the measure both that the love of God by which they are performed is more pure and entire and that self-interest diminishes with respect to pleasure, comfort, praise, and earthly or heavenly joy. They should not set their heart on the pleasure, comfort, savor, and other elements of self-interest these good works and practices usually entail, but recollect their joy in God and desire to serve him through these means. And through purgation and darkness as to this joy in moral goods they should desire in secret that only God be pleased and joyful over their works. They should have no other interest or satisfaction than the honor and glory of God. Thus all the strength of their will in regard to these moral goods will be recollected in God” (Ascent to Mount Carmel 3.27.5)

Testimony of the Irascible Hermit

I just wanted to share something with you all even though I’m not very active here. Here is my testimony 

I was a convert to Christ 20 years ago and I wanted to give my life to him so tried joining a religious order and also spent some time in the seminary. Things didn’t work out for various personal  reasons, internal politics and ultimately in hindsight due to Divine Providence. 

I’ve struggled on and off with my faith for the last ten years since I came out. Feeling rejected and unwanted so I rebelled and lived a promiscuous lifestyle. I would go through phases of trying to be right with God but then get frustrated with my struggles with lust and habitual sins, grow despondent and stop going to Church again. My biggest struggle was feeling misunderstood which brought on loneliness, self isolation, depression and anxiety. 

Just over a year ago I started to really recommit my life to God seriously. Getting rid of Grindr, stopping sexting and hookups, praying and going to Church again, and most importantly having fellowship with other people who shared my struggles as a Christian. Since that time I’ve had falls and low points especially when Covid hit. But God is always faithful and His love never ends. 

I started praying for a spiritual director and one day while praying the rosary, I got the name of a priest I used to know in my head and I had this overwhelming sense of peace. So I contacted him and he agreed to be my spiritual director. Just before this I also had a Coptic Orthodox priest randomly contact me out of the blue (turns out it was by accident), I had only ever met him once about 18 years ago. He offered me some support, advice and has also become a spiritual mentor for me. 

In the last year God has been working on healing me of unhealthy behaviours and rekindling my trust for him and love for him. The desire for religious/monastic life never left me all these years and I started feeling called to be a hermit, as a man consecrated to God to pray for and intercede for others who struggle with SSA and sexual addictions. So I started making this a daily prayer intention. 

I recently managed to write a Rule of Life that my spiritual director has approved, where my “charism” is to pray and atone for others who struggle with SSA and/or sexual addictions, as well as accepting my own depression and SSA as my personal Cross that I can unite with the suffering of Jesus so it becomes coredemptive. Last week I took my temporary vows of poverty, chastity and obedience and I am now a Catholic Lay Hermit. Praise God! 

I never thought I would be where I am today, and so many times with my journey with God I lost trust in Him and rejected His love. But he is faithful! 

I wanted to share my story to help encourage others of you who may be struggling in your journey or growing despondent. If He can do all this for me, weak and unfaithful as I am, then imagine what he can do for you too! 

I also want to add how important fasting has been for my self discipline. I am overweight and a stereotypical “bear”. I have never been able to commit to fasting. But lately I have been trying to abstain from red meat on Wednesdays and Friday’s, and some days going full vegetarian on those days. Since then I have noticed my struggles with purity, porn and masturbation has almost disappeared. I still get very tempted, but I find it much easier now to consciously decide to turn to prayer instead of going into the viscuous self pity, indulge and overindulge cycle that I used to be stuck in. 

I hope this testimony helps you in your journey, and that each day, every moment with every fall - always remember to turn back to Jesus again and again, because he is there with open arms waiting for us and offering the strength to continue the journey. 

Please pray for me as I pray for you all every time I pray the Divine Office, Rosary or the Divine Mercy chaplet. 

I would also like to give a special shout-out to James Parker for his personal witness, support and example for what he does for many of us, and for his personal encouragement - without his fellowship and support I would not be where I am today. 

The fellowship was my breakthrough point that made me FINALLY feel understood and my loneliness very quickly transformed into solitude where I could just be with God, in His loving presence and rest.

Professing my private vows 31/02/21