Discerning eremetical life

Dear readers, 

I know it has almost been another year since I have blogged again. As mentioned below I have been struggling with depression and self pity in my sins instead of clinging to God for grace and Mercy. 

I went to confession Christmas Eve and ever since then I feel God has given me some special new grace of conversion. My temptations and lust have disappeared without me praying or asking for it! So I have been making the most of this time of grace to go to Mass regularly, pray the Divine Office, consecrate myself to Our Lady everyday and keep loving God. Part of this blessing has been finding a group of likeminded Christians with SSA who I pray together with and have fellowship with fortnightly- see my post below.. 

During this time I have been having an overwhelming urge to discern becoming a consecrated hermit. If you have read my blog before you may have seen that many years ago I was in seminary and had tried a few religious orders. My desire for religious life has never gone away, I’ve just felt so hurt and rejected by God and the Church for many years that I have been living my own personal rebellion against God - being promiscuous and trying to have same sex relationships. But nothing could stop the gentle call of Christ calling me back to him. 

So now that I no longer feel lonely and am happy being alone, for the first time EMBRACING my celibacy with joy, I have been getting this desire to be a consecrated hermit. I have accepted that I can never be a priest or religious due to my SSA and I am turning 36 this year so getting to the age that no communities will want me anyway. 

The blessing of a hermit vocation is that it is private and hidden between you and God. You work and support yourself, you live a plan of life under a spiritual director, you pray privately, interceding for the world and others. For the first time in a long time, I am having a sense of the Peace that Christ promised us - not of this world. 

I am working in a job that supports my values, I am a Community Support Worker for people with disabilities. I am not stressed and unhappy like I was last year and able to support myself without needing to work fulltime in an office. 

I am still praying for a spiritual director and I know that it is a long, slow, private, intimate journey. But I wanted to share with you the power of other people praying for you and to encourage you to intercede and pray for others!! 

I will leave you with a quote from the Catechism about the charism of consecrated hermits: 

921 They manifest to everyone the interior aspect of the mystery of the Church, that is, personal intimacy with Christ. Hidden from the eyes of men, the life of the hermit is a silent preaching of the Lord, to whom he has surrendered his life simply because he is everything to him. Here is a particular call to find in the desert, in the thick of spiritual battle, the glory of the Crucified One.

Mary Queen of Hermits - pray for me a sinner, the Irascible Hermit 🙏

Fellowship - the importance of the Communion of Saints

For many years I have struggled with my Same Sex Attraction, chastity and purity. This combined with depression would leave me to isolate myself from the Church and God for months at a time. 

Recently I came across a group of other Faithful Christians struggling with SSA like me! How amazing it felt to find other people who think and feel like me. 

For so long as I have felt lonely because I was misunderstood. Most of my Catholic friends now are married with kids or priests, so they are busy and have different lives to me. But meeting other Christians with SSA I feel so strengthened and re energised in my faith - because I no longer feel LONELY even though a am alone. The paradox being is that now I am very happy being alone because I have discovered fellowship. 

Fellowship is often seen as a Protestant term, as we Catholics focus on the Church and Communion. So I like to think of fellowship as participating in the Communion of Saints - not just the Saints in glory, but also my fellow pilgrim brothers and sisters in Christ here below who are becoming Saints. 

Since having this newfound fellowship my faith feels much stronger, more stable and empowered.  We pray for each other, console and comfort each other in Christ. Praise God for the gift of fellowship 🙏 

Nothing can separate us from the love of God